The Blessing of Beautiful Eyes

The eyes are the window to the soul. 

At least that's what people say. 

I believe it to be true, though, because when I am with someone who has no distractions to them, when all other body parts are hidden and only their face is exposed, I can see the essence of who they are through their eyes.
But we're not here to talk about the beauty of modesty and its ironic attraction. 
We're here to talk about a metaphoric eye. Sorta.

This week's parsha, Metzora, speaks about the epidemic of tzaraat, leprosy. 
Tzaraat is a skin malady that is contracted as a result of engaging in any form of gossip. 
The parsha discusses its causes, symptoms and purification process.

As part of the purification process, the kohen has to personally check the wounds and determine whether or not the rash has healed. In reference to that procedure, in a case where the person suffering has not been cured, the possuk writes, "v'henei lo hafoch ha nega et einav",  the blemish has not changed its eye. 

The blemish has not changed its eye. 

Its eye?

Is it just me, or is this wording a little weird? Why can't it just say that the person has not been healed? Or that the ailment has not yet run its course? But, 'the blemish has not changed its eye?'

Here's what I'm thinking. Since there is not a word in the Torah that is extra, nor are there any mistakes in it, there must be a significant reason why the word ayin, eye, was used here.

There are many different ways to describe the tzaraat, and interestingly the word that was chosen to refer to the leprosy in this possuk, is nega.  
Nun, gimel, ayin.
Nega is a bruise, a pain, a discomfort.

If you change around its letters, you get another Hebrew word which may sound familiar to you: Oneg.
Ayin, nun, gimel.
Oneg means pleasure.

The kohen was not only giving the victim a prognosis; he was teaching him a lesson. He was explaining to him why he has not been cured, and for that matter, why a person contracts this condition in the first place.

What's the reason we speak loshon horah? 
The deeper, more introspective reasons are connected to issues of low self esteem, jealousy, and other emotional packages we have weighing us down. But since I don't get paid by the hour, I'm not getting into all that psychology right now.
I'm going to discuss the very basic cause of gossip. The reason we gossip is so simple, it's often totally overlooked.
We speak loshon horah because we are looking at our target with negativity. We are looking at life, at people, at situations, through a lense tinted with negativity, judgement, and pessimism.

Think negative, speak negative, feel negative. 
Think positive, speak positive, feel positive.

It's the War of the Worlds: 
Ayin Tov vs Ayin Ra. 
It's more than just an abstract idea. How do I actually begin to feel positive towards another person? It's about judging favorably. Giving the benefit of the doubt even when your version seems far fetched and unlikely. 
It's about forgiveness. Forgiving others for making mistakes, for being human, for reacting out of their own insecurities and uncertainties. 
It's about celebrating others' triumphs and successes. Being genuinely happy for them when they share their good news, when they get promoted, or when they purchase a gorgeous pair of shoes that you can't afford.
 It means removing grudges and jealousy, and always judging people favorably.

Our reaction to life, to people, and to situations is completely controlled by our view and perception.
Viewing the world with an ayin tov, a positive eye, can make life a much more pleasant place for us, as well as for all the people around us. It will also attract positivity into our lives. 

It's all about perception.

Rain.
Is rain a good thing or a bad thing?
Well, that depends who you ask. 
For a farmer, it's the biggest blessing in the world. For a girl who just walked out of the salon after spending an hour on her hair, it is not such a blessing.

Having a positive disposition in life will not change your circumstances. But it will allow you to cope with anything that comes your way. And it will affect your mood, your reaction, and your quality of life.

So, let's take the word nega. Now, take the word oneg. There is only one tiny difference between these two: It all depends where you put the ayin.

A person can choose to have a life of nega. A life of pain, discomfort, and negativity. 
Or, a person can choose to have a life of oneg. A life of pleasure, enjoyment, and positivity.

There is only one tiny difference between these two lives: It all depends where you put your ayin.

Have a beautiful shabbos!
Yaffa

How Do I Know What My Mission Is?

Is it just me or do you also save the best food on your plate for last? I know it's not just me. But I think I figured out the original source for this behavior. 

The possuk says, אשה כי תזריע וילדה זכר, A woman conceives and gives birth to a boy.  The significance of this is to teach us the laws of purity and impurity, and that after she gives birth she will be impure for seven days. 

Reish Lakish takes this possuk and refers us back to the time of creation, when a human being was initially created. If you go through the story of that era, you will notice that only after every creation was brought to life was the human created. And since all the creations are here to serve the human, it seems odd that they appear before him. 
Before we get to the point, realize that man was created chronologically last. Because God saved the best for last. 
And I'm not kidding. 
Because although we were created last, we are first in importance. 
The human is the epitome of the world. The crown of creation. 

So why are we last? 

Reish Lakish explains the importance of this order. He says that if a person uses his full potential in life, then he earns his place as first in importance, but if not, then even a lowly worm precedes him. 

Um. Say what? 
Seriously? A worm can come out ahead of me? No matter what I do with my life, aren't I way above an insignificant little worm?

Actually, no. The greater the creation, the greater its potential. A lowly earthworm was created to slither around on its tummy and eat dirt. Just by existing it fulfills its potential. Obviously the potential that I possess is so much greater, and therefore so much harder to reach. So, if it is not reached, then the worm comes out ahead simply because he has fulfilled his mission and I didn't. 
Pretty embarrassing. 

So we need to understand how to reach those heights that we were made to reach. 
There are some people who work just to eat and then eat just to have energy to work. They work to make a living and then live just to work for that living. 
And that's it. That's their entire purpose of existence. 

Then there are those who realize that they have an important tool that's needed in order to make the world a better place when they leave it than when they entered it. And they wanna know how to do that. 

I get asked this question at least every week. "How do I know what my mission is? How do I know if I'm fulfilling my potential?"
And this is what I tell them. 
We have two missions in life. The first is תיכון עולמי and the second is תיכון עצמי. We need to perfect the world, and perfect ourselves. And we need to do both at the same time. 
Look inside yourself and become familiar with everything you see there. Learn about your strengths and weaknesses. What makes me tick? What makes me laugh? What makes me feel frustrated? Satisfied? Warm and fuzzy? 
Am I a people person? Am I an organizer? 
Once we know what our talents are and which things speak to us, we look around at our families, communities, and even at the world, and see what we can contribute to them based on their needs and on our abilities. 
Then, while focusing on the positive and starting to make a real difference in the world, we need to return inside ourselves and perfect our weaknesses as well.  

Focusing solely on our shortcomings causes frustration and depression. 
Focusing solely on our strengths encourages arrogance and complacency. 
It needs to be a joint effort. 

How long does it take to get there? As long as you're still in this world, there's more to do. 
אשר ברא אלוקים לעשת
Hashem created this world to DO. To accomplish. To fix. To create. 
Wanna take a rest? When you get to the next world. There you can rest. In peace. 

Have a beautiful shabbos!
Yaffa

Hard is Bad, Easy is Good. Right?

There is a common denominator between two of the big topics discussed in the parsha this week. Parshas Shmini speaks about the sudden death of the two holy sons of Aharon, and then it moves on to the laws of kashrut, the foods that are permissible and prohibited for us to consume.

The common denominator between the two, is one word. One word with lots of exclamation points and question marks.

WHY?!?!?!

Why do good people die young?

Why do bad things even happen to good people? Shouldn’t the good be rewarded with good and the bad be rewarded with bad? Isn’t that just logical?

While we’re on the topic of suffering... why can’t I eat my ice cream right after my chicken?! I gotta eat dessert six hours after my meal?

One thing I’ll tell you for sure: keeping kosher is the best diet out there. There is no nutritionist in the world who can get me to wait six hours to eat my ice cream.

But…why?

When Aharon found out about the deaths of his sons, he reacted by remaining silent. How can a human being possess that amount of inner strength, to accept such deep pain and such terrible suffering as God’s will, without even a question or a doubt?

Aharon had no doubt in his mind or heart that Hashem runs the world, and that everything He does is for our best. He knew it was a package deal. He knew that if Hashem is in charge of the good times, he is also there in the hard times.

I’m not going to expand upon the topic of faith now, nor am I going to discuss the important point about us humans not completely understanding what good is and what bad is.

We tend to associate something hard with something bad, and something easy with something good.

Many times it’s actually the opposite.

Eating an extra piece of chocolate cake is easy. Working out at the gym is hard.

Which is good for me, and which is bad?

The first thing we need to realize is that just because something is hard, it doesn’t make it bad, and just because something is easy, by no means is it automatically good.

I believe that Aharon was trying to teach us a vital message.

Every day we find ourselves entangled in a conflict of wills.

My will versus His will.  

Emotions versus intellect.

Body versus soul.

If every time I choose right over wrong I get a hundred dollars deposited into my bank account, I will obviously keep choosing good.

If every time I speak loshon horah my tongue freezes for an hour, I will likely not choose that path again.

If I get repaid with obvious good for every good deed, or suffer openly each time I choose wrongly, I will no longer be functioning through free will. None of my decisions will have a moral backing. I will always choose good to get rewarded or to avoid getting punished, but my choice will have nothing to do with my desire to do or be good.

In order to maintain a world of true freedom, there have to be situations that appear random, that are difficult to understand.  If God were predictable or comprehensible, what kind of God would He be?

He gave us life, and along with it the opportunity to live it the way we choose to. The way to happiness is through choices and challenges. Through mistakes, regret, and growth.

 Repaying good with immediate and obvious good, and bad with immediate and obvious bad will remove all of our free will from the world, and diminish challenges and satisfaction.

There have been an excess amount of tragedies over the past few weeks, and Aharon’s message could not have come at a better time.

No, we don’t understand these tragedies. But we’re not supposed to.  

Aharon taught us through his acceptance and unwavering faith, that belief in Hashem is a package deal. He is in charge of the positive as well as the negative. And it’s done on purpose, to allow us to live our lives the way we choose to live them, and to experience the highest level of growth and happiness through it.

Now, what does all of this have to do with my ice cream?

Mitzvos are not always convenient, nor are they easy to do. Respecting a mitzvah only when it’s convenient for us is egotistical and lowers its level of greatness. But keeping it when we don’t understand it, or when we don’t like it too much, raises it to a level of altruism and allows us to follow the Torah without any ulterior motives, and for one reason only:

Because GSS.

God Said So.

Period.

So, I don’t understand why I can’t eat ice cream after meat, and it isn’t easy to tie up my vocal chords in front of men, and it’s inconvenient to cover my knees at the beach. But it’s a package deal. Hashem is in charge, and having proper bitachon means knowing without a shadow of a doubt that everything He does and everything He asks of us is for our good.

Have a beautiful shabbos!

Yaffa

Obligation vs Voluntary

One day, when *my sister was a teenager, she walked into *her room and noticed it was in a state of mild disaster. She decided right then that she will not make any plans that day until her room is spotless. 

A moment later, my mom passed by and, poking her head in she said to her, “what a pigsty! Please clean up your room immediately!” She replied in the negative and marched out of her room.

In just a split second, she went from feeling tremendous desire to tremendous defiancy and shoulder shrugging. What had changed?

 It had become an obligation.

When something goes from voluntary to obligatory, our level of desire and motivation completely changes.

*names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. #cough #itsjustphlegm

Many of the offerings described in Parshas Vayikra are completely voluntary in nature. If these mitzvot are so important, why isn't their performance obligatory, and if they aren't, for what purpose did God give them?

Human beings are pleasure-seekers. Most people seek pleasure in careers, vacations, cars, homes, shoes…and we tend to grumble about obligations as unpleasant aggravations. We don´t like to be tied down to responsibility.

The Sages say: "Greater is someone who does a good deed by being commanded, than one who does so voluntarily." Why? Because when we're obligated, our desire for independence makes us resistant. It activates the yetzer hara. So if we can overcome that to perform the good deed, then we're a bigger person because of it.

God made certain mitzvot optional, because if they were obligatory, performing them would not be accompanied by the same sense of donating one's time and energy for the sake of God and would not produce the same result.

The mitzvah of bringing sacrifices is discussed in such great detail, signifying their importance, and yet they are only voluntary. 

 This has taught me two important lessons.

The first thing I realized is that I will not be inviting any animal rights activists for Shabbos.

And the second lesson is the importance of changing my perspective on obligations. Obligations can be and should be pleasurable and fulfilling. They actualize our potential. They are the basis of our self esteem.

It may be difficult to fulfill obligations, but there's tremendous pleasure in accomplishing what has to get done. It´s energizing.

Think of an example of the tiniest amount of pleasure you get from fulfilling a seemingly insignificant obligation. Like, returning the extra five dollars to the store after they miscalculated your change. You leave the store with your head held so high, you almost end up in a back bend. Now try to imagine the feeling involved in fulfilling a much greater obligation!

What determines whether we view obligations as a cause for distress, or as a delight?

Whether we view ourselves primarily as a "body" or as a "soul."

Bodies do not like obligations, because they require effort. The body would rather be on vacation. The body wants to sit on the couch all day, eating potato chips and watching Seinfeld reruns.

Souls thrive on obligations. It gives a sense of importance, dignity, eternity.

We need to figure out what's really important in life. When we have that clarity, then we're willing to ignore the body's complaints and listen to the yearnings of the soul.

That's when we will identify with the soul's desire to fulfill obligations and feel the satisfaction and fulfillment it brings.

I will now go finish voluntarily cooking for my obligation of Shabbos, before all my food becomes a burnt offering.

Have a beautiful Shabbos!

Yaffa

It´s Only A Stupid Detail

Today, in just three short sentences, I´m going to share my tips for being a successful businessperson:

Don´t. Be. Me.

I have a knack for starting businesses. Not because I like to buy and sell, but because I like people. So, my business pursuits are always related to local needs.

The problem is, none of the commerce I have engaged in has ever lasted long enough for me to even earn back the money I´ve laid out to open it.

Now, I´m not like this in any other area of my life, so what am I doing wrong in my business dealings? I carry top of the line, gorgeous, trendy products. I always choose cute, catchy names. My latest entrepreneural attempt was a hair accessory store called ´Bandana Republic.´ I know, right?!

So, wherein lies my downfall? It doesn´t lie as much in my brutal honesty in telling customers when something doesn’t suit them, as it does in my hopeless ability to keep proper records of incoming and outgoing merchandise, or keeping any fiscal accounts.

 I realized all of this while studying Parshas Pikudei.

Pikudei literally means  the sum, and in it, the Torah makes an account and summary of all the materials, donations, vessels and objects used in making and in being a part of the Sanctuary. This Torah portion is the last one in the book of Shemos, and by summarizing all the details of the past parshios, it teaches a few important lessons, which I´ll share with you now.

The first is the importance of taking inventory; whether physically or spiritually. Where am I holding? What have I accomplished? Where have I failed? How can I be more successful? How can I improve? Asking ourselves these questions at the end of the day, week or month is the first step to success.

The second lesson I´ve learned this week is about the importance of details. Details seem so insignificant; but are they? Two weeks ago, as I´m sure you noticed (if you didn’t notice, please make believe you did) I didn´t post anything about the Parsha. It wasn´t because I forgot about it, nor was it because I had nothing to write. I actually sat at my desktop researching, learning, thinking, writing, and editing…for hours. Then suddenly, while I was rereading and about to save it, my two year old just marched over and pulled out the plug.

And all my brilliance disappeared. Just. Like. That.  

Of course, I blamed it on God, assuming He probably didn´t like my awesome connection between Ki Sisa and Valentine´s Day. But really, it was my own fault for forgetting one teeny, tiny detail. The icon in the top left corner of the page, known as ´Save.´

Details are a lot more important than we realize.

A parent has an obligation to nourish and protect their child. That would mean giving them bread, water, a pair of shoes, an outfit, a coat, and a roof. Do we know any parent that stops at their obligation? We give a lot more than that. Because, what teaches a person that we love them and care about them, are the details. Gifts, compliments, unexpected and unnecessary sweet gestures….

 Of course even those can be given out of obligation and without a connection to the heart. Therefore, even more important than what we say, do, or give, is how we say, do or it give it. A friend of mine refers to compliments as wrapping paper, because the outside is not JUST a detail- it is just as important as the gift itself.   

Taking the time to give sincere, specific praise to someone, can be life changing.

Relationships are often taken for granted. We just assume that that friend, spouse, boss, employee…will always be there. I need to ask myself, Am I skating by my relationships by just doing the bare minimum? By fulfilling my obligations? Or am I putting thought and detail into the things I say and do? Am I considering the other person´s best intentions when I give to them, or am I concerned with my own? Am I paying attention to their needs? Really paying attention?

How many of us hold back compliments just because?

That´s detail.

Bare in mind, of course, that accounting for everything can also lead to pettiness, so we need to focus the attention to detail on the positive side of the middah.

Another significant lesson we learn from our theme of accounting for everything, is, in my opinion the most important characteristic for a person to possess, and that is the middah of hakarat hatov, recognition of goodness or kindness being done to us and being grateful for it.

What made the mishkan so beautiful? The unity, the selfless donations, the work, sweat and tears that people put into it. That accounting of every single material used, every item donated, every ounce of energy and effort…might all be mentioned just to teach us the art of gratitude. Was the woman who donated one earring to the mishkan insignificant? (The OCD in me really hopes she donated the other one shortly after.) No. Her tiny donation made her just as important as the woman who donated a big copper mirror. Every single action, every little kindness should be remembered and appreciated. Who knows? That little earring may be what holds the entire kiyor together!

We may not realize it, but every little detail, no matter how seemingly insignificant, can actually be playing a very important role in our lives. I came to this realization the time I spent an entire night with a mosquito in my bed.

Next time you catch yourself thinking that that little compliment on your tongue is just silly and no big deal to hold back, remember how your seemingly inconsequential words are actually quite consequential, and can literally change the recipient´s day, week…or even their life.

What to do if the compliment is not on your tongue? If you haven´t even thought of giving one?

That can be learned by the next lesson of accounting.

A few weeks ago the Jews cheated on God by building the Golden calf. That betrayal had broken a level of trust between God and us, and quite deservingly so.   

But, instead of reaching for the gun, God concentrated instead on the good they were doing for Him and for His mishkan. He made an accounting of all the materials and donations and work force, because we need to learn the value of forgiveness and moving forward. Even after we stabbed Him in the back, He still allowed us to go ahead and build that Sactuary. The Sactuary that is God´s home; so holy and intimate.

Right away, he trusted us again. He believed in us and in our relationship with Him.

So, Hashem made an accounting in the Torah, to teach us that sometimes people screw up, they do bad things…really bad…but instead of focusing on that negative action or on the hurt feelings, we should turn our focus to other details. To the good details.

If someone wrongs me, I need remove myself from the negativity, move forward, and focus on the accounting of the positive attributes of that person. This can be very difficult because even if some good is found, our nature is to let the negative shine through. 

So, the message is that in order to find that goodness, we need to go so far to focus on the positive, that we should become petty about it! Become petty about every good detail. Remember every little good thing they have ever done to you and for you.

After reaching this level, you think you might have a compliment or two on your tongue?

And now, here´s my account and summary of my post.

Pekudei.  Personal inventory. Accountings. Details. Forgiveness. Positive focus. Sincere compliments.

And most importantly, I learned to save my work on the computer.

It´s all in the details.

Have a beautiful Shabbos!

Yaffa