Change is Scary!

The possuk tells us in this week's parsha, Tazria:

 'Isha ki tazria v'yalda zochor',  A woman conceives and gives birth to a male.

There's a midrash that connects this possuk to one in tehillim, (kuf lamed tes- hei) which says: 'Achor vakodem yitzartani', Back and front you fashioned me.

Reish Lakish teaches us such a powerful lesson about this.

He says 'Achor vakodem' is referring to the first day of creation.

Man is told that if he keeps Torah and mitzvos, " you came before the entire work of creation".  But, if he doesn't, then "even an earthworm preceded you".

Man was created chronologically last, but he's unanimously considered first in importance. That is, if he earned his honor. If not, the chronological order has greater significance.

Now, this is all really deep and beautiful stuff, but it's tickling the logical side of me. Does it make any sense that a lowly little earthworm who does nothing but crawl on his slimy tummy and eat fertilized mud all day, can ever have greater significance than a human being? Even one who is alienated from Torah?!?

Our question has an answer, thanx to R' Baruch Mordechai Ezrachi shli"ta.

Every creation has a purpose. The more significant the creation, the more demanding its purpose.

Man is the crown of creation. The epitome of the universe. A human being has a goal in life which is based on his abilities and opportunities. An earthworm has one advantage over a human.

 It automatically succeeds in attaining its purpose in this world, while man can easily fall short of his potential.

That's because the mission of an earthworm is simply to crawl around on its slimy tummy and eat fertilized mud all day. Period. So unless he has a physical handicap and is born horizontally challenged, (very rare condition), he naturally reaches his goal in life, just by living.

But, since a human being, and especially a Jew, has such a tremendously high potential, if he doesn't keep working on himself, and keep challenging himself to grow more and to become a more wholesome person and a better Jew, there's no way he'll be able to reach the level that he's capable of reaching.

So, what happens next?

The lowly little earthworm attained his goal, while the high and mighty man, did not.

What a sad ending.

So, how do we reach that potential? 

We need to know who we are, and what we can achieve.

Introspection, leading to personal adjustments. 

Prior to making personal adjustments, taking internal inventory is required, deeming it necessary to take a deep, introspective tour of our interior. We may discover things in there that we never knew existed. For the good, and for the better.

We also might come across negative aspects of ourselves that we are unaware of, or aware of, yet choose to ignore... and here we are facing them head on. It's scary and difficult.

And we don't like it.

We do like learning, tho. We like going to classes on the topics of happiness, love, enthusiasm, and many other 'harmless' concepts. But learning about deep spiritual growth is a bit scary to us, because it means we have to work. Hard.

It creates the realization that we need to make some changes in our lives. And we don't like to change.

 There was a study done in the United States a few years ago, where people were asked to confess their biggest fears. When I saw the results I almost burned my intestines on the coffee I was sipping. The study proved that a large majority of adults are more afraid to move to a different city than they are of dying.  

 Didja hear me?

 More people are afraid of moving, than they are of dying?!

Moving to a different home, a new neighborhood or new city and meeting new neighbors, perhaps the need for a new job or school… and all sorts of change, apparently causes more anxiety in Americans than actual death.

Death is predictable. It’s expected.

 Its inevitability creates a certain comfort and optimism in us. Yes, people fear death because of the how and when factors, but the actuality of its reality diminishes anxiety. Additionally, once death occurs, there are no adjustments to make, and no changes to get used to. It’s over.

The effects of fear of change, however, can be anxiety provoking and even debilitating.

If change is so scary when it just involves physical movement, like moving to a new home, imagine how much more frightening it is to make a lifestyle change, or a character change.

 "What if I don't like what I find? I just paid $175 an hour to find out who I am, and now I needa replace it for a new and improved version?"

"Does this require any thinking? Cuz that would be heading into unfamiliar territory."

Those are some of the many panicky thoughts bombarding our minds at the thought of introspection, and being that in most cases fear of change stops us from taking action by paralyzing us with its anxiety, these thoughts usually end up interfering immensely with our growth process.

Fear of change is nothing new. It has nothing to do with modern psychology.

When the Jews left Egypt and started their journey through the desert, the had food raining down on them from the sky, no need to cook, no need to shop, no one has to work for a living, no looking for parking, no gaining weight,  it was literally heaven on earth! I mean, after 210 years of slavery, this was the life! This defines freedom!

But yet, were they full of gratitude? Were they overwhelmed with love for their Savior?

I think not.

Rashi  describes the kvetches and complaints of the Jewish people in the desert. They cried out to Moshe that they want to go back to Mitzraim! They want to turn around, and head straight back to Egypt... where they had 'free fish'.

Yup, you heard right. They didn't like the mann thing- they wanted more options on the menu. They wanted to go back to where they got 'fish for free'.

Didn't we all learn this story at least 30 times since we were born? In Miztraim they were slaves. They did back breaking work. They sweated their pores dry. Why on planet earth did they want to go back to such a place, and why in heavens name did they claim that they had fish for free there? They didn't even get straw for free, how could they have gotten free sushi?

Rashi explains: Chinam min hamitzvot, they were free from doing mitzvos.

Whoa.

Even though, while residing in Egypt they worked themselves ragged, and their lives were so bitter, and they had no rights, they were beaten to a pulp, and they just lived in misery...they still preferred to go back to that living hell, rather than have to change their lifestyle. They chose slavery over freedom; over a life of following the Torah. They were too afraid of all the responsibilities that come along with this lifestyle.

 Why? How could they be so stupid?

Easily. Even though their lives in Mitzraim were miserable, they were still so accustomed to living that way, that they'd rather remain slaves, where it's 'comfortable', than have an better life, but have to make major changes to enjoy it.

This sounds very strange to us, that they are all victims of self injury. But the painful truth is that we all, in some way, make the same self destructive decisions sometimes.

I've been acquainted with kids who have developed anxiety at the thought of moving up to high school. Their fears advance at the start of college. Sometimes the anxiety is so powerful that it actually blocks them from applying or attending university, which obviously causes them to remain with a limited level of education.    

  

There are also those that are offered promotions in their careers, but decline due to the fear of leaving their hometown and having to make new lifestyle adjustments. Therefore, they remain mediocre instead of advancing. They'd choose to stay at a lower position, and lower income,  rather than make any changes.

Unfortunately, there are people who choose to remain victims in abusive relationships, even while given opportunities to leave, due to those same fears.

The mann that the Jews received in the midbar, came with strings attached. They can have it... but they have to start keeping the mitzvos now. The fish that they got in Mitzraim was FREE!!  No responsibilities. No obligations. No changes.

Although we might be tempted at times to stay where we are, whether in a physical, emotional, or spiritual sense, in order to avoid change and adjustment, running away from the 'fear of the unknown', we have to realize that such behavior will cause us to remain in whatever state we are (if not a lower one)... forever. We will go nowhere and become no one. 

Changing a behavior or a mindset creates a challenge. Challenge creates growth.  Achievement and greatness comes from accepting the responsibilities that a life of meaning is offering. 

Without enduring change and growth, we are opting for a life of slavery. 

Why are we so afraid to change?

3 basic reasons:

1. Afraid of the unknown

2. Driven by well-honed habits

3. The pain of loss

The height of our potential is the ultimate, so spiritual growth is an endless path. There might be some stones along the way, but you can either trip on them and break your femur bone, or you can use them as stepping stones to bring you to the next level of your journey.

'Asher barah Elokim laasos', G-d created this world to do.

To move. To change. To improve.

 So, humans are, indeed, creatures of habit.

However, we are not  powerless, and we do have a choice.

Recognizing that we were created just to change and grow, and the whole world itself was built just to change it and improve it, can help us diminish our fear and anxiety of change. Change is the entire reason for existence. We each have the power & the choice to break free from our habits, our patterns, the chains we may be born into carrying, the ideas and expectations that others have of us, and the fate of mediocrity that each of us could comfortably settle for.

And about being compared to worm... you wouldn’t want to soil your reputation by being known as a spineless coward, now would you?

Have a beautiful shabbos!

Silence Is Louder Than it Sounds

When Aharon's two sons died, the Torah reports his reaction: "And Aharon was silent". How is it possible that Aharon remained silent as his whole world came crashing down? What was going through his mind?
 
It´s written in Ohr HaMussar that Aharon was greatly praised for remaining silent -- for not complaining against the Almighty and for accepting the will of the Almighty. Why? Before something happens one might be able to take action to prevent it. However, afterwards, what can one do? He can fight it or he can accept it as the will of the Almighty. Was his acceptance of the Almighty's will exceptional or unique?
 
Aharon lived by a very basic, fundamental philosophy, which is the essence of Jusaism.
Every single thing that happens in life, happens because God so desires. Whether it comes as a direct message from heaven, or it requires the service of human messengers, there isn´t a moment of joy or pain that one experiences without it being willed from Above.
 
Have any of you ever been insulted? Felt verbally or emotionally attacked? Been made to feel inadequate or unworthy by someone?
 
I´ve experienced all of the above. These unpleasant encounters have made me realize that although sticks and stones can break your bones, words can send you to a lifetime of therapy.
 
The natural reaction, as a victim to any of these attacks, is to fight back. To defend myself. To prove them wrong.
 
But, constantly defending, explaining or justifying myself would leave me without many friends, very quickly.  Do you enjoy being around an apologetic, defensive person?
 
This person becomes tiresome not because of a string of complaints, but because of the somewhat toxic nature of self-defense.
 
Someone who engages in constant justification and explanation seems to be sliding down a spiraling path of negativity and insecurity, often sounding guilty-as-charged. I know that when I find myself in justification mode, there's often some part of me that feels insecure about the area, perhaps even wondering-fearing-believing that it must be true.
 
I have learned that when I feel the need to defend myself, somewhere deep inside me there´s a little, annoying voice  offering its unwelcome opinion that they must be right and I must be wrong. The defending, explaining and justifying never seems to change anything and, instead, tends to anchor me more deeply in the issue that needs to be addressed.
 

A while ago, I read an insightful article that taught me one of the most important lessons of my life.
Here´s the gist of the story: after a wonderful lecture on the value of seeking to understand and be understood, the lecturer took questions from the audience. One gentleman took the microphone and proceeded to tell him that he was full of beans, didn't know what he was talking about, and had no basis for his point of view. The speaker considered the comment, and replied, "Thank you."

After a couple of more rounds of this kind of exchange-attack, wherein the gentleman kept going after him, trying to provoke a reaction, the lecturer taught me a great lesson in self-awareness by saying something like this:

    ¨Did you not notice that each time you spoke, I paused to consider what you had to say? I looked inside myself to see if some part of me was reacting to what you had said about me, particularly if any parts of me were upset, prone to counterattack, or otherwise affected. I have found that when I am in that kind of reaction, there is typically something there for me to learn about myself, something for which I need to improve. In this instance, I found no reaction. Thus, you were simply sharing your opinion to which you are fully entitled and with which I have no argument. Therefore, "Thank you" seemed most appropriate.¨

Indeed, this wise man demonstrated considerable self-awareness and personal integrity throughout his life, and this little exchange has been a guiding light for me. Learning to see the reaction inside myself as feedback about me, pointing out areas of growth, not something to be defended, has been both expansive and liberating for me.

Aharon´s specific situation was one in which his pain was directly from heaven, with no qualms about it. But what about those moments when we´re hurt by people? When other humans cause us pain by insulting or attacking us?
Those are the moments to stop, contemplate the situation, and recognize that this, too, is from heaven. God wants me to feel this pain or embarrassment. Yes, the abuser has free will and he will be judged for that. But there are two people involved here...and my concern shouldn´t be him; it should be me.
Why did he do that to me? Why did he say that to me?
Because God willed it. God decided I needed that to enhance my personal growth.
Being angry at him, defending myself, responding to the attack in any way, will not help my growth at all, it only helps me dig myself a deeper hole of negativity and self doubt.

Aharon´s lesson to me is that it´s much healthier to remain silent in moments like these. I know that I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence.
Silence is also speech; it´s of victory and confidence. I have learned that the best time to hold my tongue is when I feel I must say something or bust! Because there is nothing more empowering than self control and discipline.

This was the greatness of Aharon. He remained silent because he knew clearly that everything the Almighty does is purposeful. He knew that everything the Almighty does is good. When things consistently go well for a person, he feels an inner-joy. Acceptance of the Almighty's will, regardless of the way the message was sent, is the most crucial attitude to make part of oneself for living a happy life. The more we learn to accept the will of the Almighty, the greater joy we will experience in our lives.

Remember that silence is much louder than it sounds.

Have a beautiful shabbos.

The Message of Pesach

With sincere apologies to Parshas Tzav, this week we'll be discussing the upcoming yom tov of Pesach.

This is not gonna be one of those ¨Pesach is about cleaning the chametz, not cleaning the chandelier¨ posts. 

But, it is true that when simply hearing the word Pesach, many of us transform into some kind of unrecognizable form of ourselves. Even if that word is mentioned in July.

Panic, anxiety, and hyperventilation creep up on us, and though we try to bury the negative feelings, sometimes a tad of loathing comes to join the emotional party.

 

Is this really what Pesach is supposed to be like? Somehow I don't think G-d had intended that this holy and delightful holiday become a turn-off to all family members living with a harried pre Pesach woman.  

We are commanded to get rid of the chametz. Period. No need to remove the curtains, paint the house, or go through picture albums from the 80´s. You´re not missing much anyway in those albums, it´s just a bunch of hairspray and leg warmers.

 When was the last time you ate your peanut butter sandwich while hanging from the chandelier? Probably when you were a monkey.

So, I´m going to take just a few minutes to focus on what Pesach is and to stay away from what it's not.

Pesach, in a nutshell.
Hehe.

The Jews were set free from 210 years of bitter slavery. The possuk writes that they left Egypt bechipazon, in a rush, and if they would not have left at the exact moment that they did, they would not have been worthy of leaving at all!
At this point, the Jews as a nation, were on the 49th level of impurity. Had they stayed in that morally depraved country for another minute they would´ve fallen down to the 50th level, the lowest possible one, disabling their redemption permanently.

Ok. I have a problem with this. Do you mean to tell me that it took 210 years for them to fall down to the 49th level, and in 4 1/2 more seconds of being around the corruption, they´d fall down a whole nother level?

Rabbi Akiva Tatz says, it wasn´t the Egyptian influence that would have caused their descent. The offense would have been an internal one. It would have been the waiting, itself.

Laziness. Procrastination. 

Had they decided to first finish the game they were playing, or finish a conversation with someone, take a nap before the trip, or even finish the bread they were baking, they would have been guilty of procrastination.
That would have been a transgression so great that it would have rendered them...and us...slaves, forever and ever.
That´s a frightening thought.  
My name would probably be Yafhadenijad.  I wouldn´t even know how to spell that.

Bechipazon. THAT was the second to act, and not a moment later.

I once missed out on an opportunity to redt a shidduch between two people, because I moved too slowly. I was very young and felt intimidated to call. I had this excuse, and that one. On the day that  I finally decided to do it, I heard the news: They had gotten engaged! To each other! 
And I had lost that irreplaceable mitzvah. 
 

 I have another question. 

We all understand the reason we have to eat matzoh on Pesach, but why do we have to get rid of all the chametz? On sukkos we move into the  sukkah, but we don't have to destroy our homes while eating in it!

So why isn't it enough to just eat matzoh- why are we commanded to get rid of all the chametz as well? 

I have another question.  
Why do we start counting the omer on the second night of Pesach and not on the first?

Ok, I´m gonna be very Jewish for a minute, and answer my questions with another question.

What's the difference between chametz and matzah?

Look at their spelling. They both have a mem,and tzadi. But their third letters are different. One has a ches, and the other, a hei. The difference between a ches and a hei, is just a teeny tiny line. But that minuscule line is the entire difference between the two.

Now, check out their ingredients. Flour, and water. They're both made out of the same exact things.

Being that both of these items are so similar, it arouses my curiosity that eating one of them on Pesach is such a great mitzvah, and eating the other is such a great aveirah.

So, what exactly is the halachik difference between the two? 

1- Time factor. For the matzah to be kosher, it has to be completely finished within 18 minutes. Otherwise, it's  chametz.  
It needs to be made immediately. 
No procrastinating. No being lazy.

2- Constant work. As long as the dough is being kneaded consistently, it's good to go. When you stop kneading it and leave it to sit around, it starts to rise a bit, causing it to become chametz. 
No procrastinating. No being lazy.

Everything in the physical world is mirrored in the spiritual world. Cleaning for physical crumbs in all the cracks and crevices of the home is meant to reflect cleaning the hidden corners within ourselves to get rid of spiritual crumbs.
  
 Matzah is simple and humble. The only way for it to lose that status is through lack of movement and work. 

We, too are born simple and humble. But if we let ourselves sit around, we stop working on ourselves, and we become chametz. Because when we sit, when we´re spiritually lazy, we start rising. Our ego's naturally get pumped with helium. We become arrogant.

Throughout the year we are obligated to remember our stay in egypt and our negative experience there, but we can be surrounded by chametz while doing so.

On Pesach, we have to concentrate so intensely on what happened in Egypt, that we can't be distracted by the chamtez. Nothing can get in the way of our focus on The message of Pesach. 

The message of Pesach is so important that we cannot even focus on the highlight of history, the essence of who we are, the day of matan Torah!  

That´s why we count the omer starting on the second day of Pesach instead of the first, so that our focus on the seder night can be purely on the message of the chag.

The message of Pesach is TIME MANAGEMENT. 
Physically, as well as spiritually, we gotta move immediately and consistently.

Remember the famous story of Rabbi Akiva? He eventually became the greatest Torah teacher of all time. But in order to achieve that status, his selfless and devoted wife, Rochelle, encouraged him to travel to a top yeshiva where he can study away from home and uninterrupted for 12 years. 
As arranged, he returned home after being away that long, and as he approached his house, he heard his wife having a conversation inside with a neighbor. The neighbor, clearly impressed with her sacrifice and determination, asked her how she would react if her husband walked through the door and announced that he wants to return the yeshiva for another 12 years.
Her response? GO!

Rabbi Akiva heard her response, and without missing a beat, turned 360 degrees, and his destination became one with his original departure.  He stayed at the yeshiva for another 12 years, becoming the preeminent Torah teacher that he was, and molding 24,000 students into true talmidei chachamim and future Torah teachers.

There´s one little detail that always bothered me about that very inspiring story. He didn´t see his wife for 12 flippin years! Couldn´t he just go in and say hello? Couldn´t he have a cup of coffee with her before departing again? 

After learning about bechipazon, I have my answer. 
No. He couldn´t. 
Had he gone in to see his wife, he may never have left again.
Rabbi Akiva knew that he needed to make a split second decision. It´s now or never.  

THAT was the second to act, and not a moment later. 

One more question, just to fill up your seder with lots of ´em. What does chametz have to do with the avoda of pesach? Why doesn't chametz interfere with Rosh Hashana, or Shabbos?

  
 The only time we have an obligation from the Torah to educate our children, is at the Pesach seder. As a matter of fact, that is the entire point of Pesach. V'heegadita l´bincha... Transmission to children.  

At the seder, we do everything just for the kids to ask and learn. But, a person cannot transmit when he has gaava, arrogance. 

 Because an arrogant person doesn't listen to anyone, and therefore doesn´t learn from anyone. And he can't connect with those that he's teaching. A person can only teach something to others when he has humility.

And, this is why, right after we learn the message of Pesach from Rabbi Akiva, each of his 24,000 students fell sick and left this world. 
Because, since they didn't have enough humility and couldn´t respect each other properly, they were unable to transmit the Torah. They had to be disqualified.

Time management. 
The time is now.

It seems like a message so simple and insigficant for a holiday as grand as Pesach. 

Simple? Indeed it is. It´s that little miniscule line causing the hei to become a ches.  
It´s that little mitzvah that I lost forever.
It´s that little split second decision of doing something now...or perhaps never.

Chametz or matzah. Arrogance or humility. Life or death.

Insignificant? Indeed it is...if you´d rather still be wearing a burqa.
 

Btw, I used blue ink this week because I'm in middle of cleaning out my black ink cartridge for Pesach.

Have a great shabbos and a chag kasher v'sameach.

Sushi is my Best Friend

Welcome to the third book!

The parsha this week, Vayikra, speaks about the different karbonos, sacrificial offerings that are brought up, and it mentions a 'bird'.
 
Midrash Tanchuma explains that the various offerings are brought only from oxen, goats, sheep and birds, but NOT from fish. Why don´t fish qualify? What does the Torah have against my beloved sushi?

Animals and fowl have a similarity to human beings; they are made of flesh and blood, and  are born from the womb. Fish have scales and spawn eggs. 
Yes, fowl lay eggs too, but they care for them until they hatch, and then the mother will remain with her young, feeding and nurturing them til they are capable of fending for themselves. Hence the mitzvah of Shiluach Hakan. 
 
 Fish, though, have absolutely no relationship with their young.
 
One of the problems I have with the movie 'Finding Nemo' is its inaccuracy. Nemo's father couldn't possibly have had such strong feelings for his baby that he would swim for days on end looking for him. It makes no sense according the nature of fish. But hey, it brought in billions of dollars...so who cares, right?
 
I´ve gained insight from this Midrash. In order to be used as an offering to serve as an atonement for a human being, it is necessary to use a living thing which is similar to humans. Because as humans, we´re naturally drawn to things or people that speak to us, and we connect to whom or what we relate to.
 
Ourselves included.
 
Modern psychology teaches us to love ourselves, causing many embarrassing moments of mirror soliloquy. It has recently been replaced with many embarrassing moments of mirror photography.
 
While disagreeing with the method, I fully agree with the concept. 

We must be attracted to ourselves.
 
In order to succeed in life, and to fulfill our individual mission and purpose, we have to learn not only how to relate to ourselves, but how to bring out the best in who we are.

There are opposing opinions on the proper way of working bein adam l'atzmo, between man and himself.
 
If I want to improve a middah, how shall I decide which? Is it better to choose one that´s naturally difficult and a struggle for me, or should I begin with one that I´ll have an easier time with?
 
A widely accepted approach would be to choose the hard one. The philosophy behind this is that a greater challenge creates greater effort which lends to a greater result.
 
So, I understand the benefits of hard work, but apparently I´m more human than others, and if I spend my life focused on my weaknesses and struggling to perfect them, I will also end up spending my life renewing my meds.   
 
Since my sanity is something I hold dear, I figure there must be other methods in which I don´t have to lose it.
 
There are two types of work which we have to accomplish in our lifetime.
Tikun atzmi and tikun olami; repairing myself and repairing the world.
 
Upon entering this world, we were handed a package containing everything we need for our journey through this world. 
Just like Dora the Explorer. 
Except, we don´t have anyone helping us climb by yelling ¨Help Dora climb...can you say subida¨?
 
We got our map, our fuel, and personalized accessories. We were given individualized strengths and weaknesses, qualities and talents, physical appearances, health, family, friends, emotional makeup, personalities, IQ levels, and a whole lot more, to take us through life.
 
Sometimes I wish someone would give Dora a GPS and spare us the agony of her journey. But obviously the whole point of her trip is to use the articles in her bag to help her find her own way. Getting lost is part of the challenge, and asking for help is part of the process.
 
In order to perfect the world, I need to dig into my bag and pull out my strengths. I need to use my talents and abilities to make a positive difference. But in order to perfect myself, I need to find and improve my weaknesses.
 
The only way I can successfully repair my flaws is by simultaneously utilizing my virtues.
 
Rav Volbe writes that when one begins to work on a personal flaw, he should pick one that's easy; common. Not only that, and here's another connection to Nemo, but in order to atone for any character flaw that we'll find in ourselves, we must look for its similar counterpart as a prerequisite to the avoda.
 
I'll explain.
 
Any bad middah that I have is not one dimensional. It's also a good middah.
 
The word middah means both characteristic, and to measure. To constantly measure our spiritual stature and development.
 
The characteristic as a whole sits on a measuring stick with the negative to the left and positive to the right.
 
If I'm indecisive, never able to make up my mind,  don´t have many opinions, it can get frustrating for everyone involved. But what's on the positive end of it? Easygoing, flexible, accepting...pleasurable for everyone involved.
Take someone who has a low level of patience. They´re easy to anger, you´re afraid to approach them, too demanding... But what can be on the positive end of it? This person doesn't stand for nonsense and accomplishes a lot. They know how to get things done quickly and properly.
 
So the way to work on a bad middah, is to focus on the corresponding good middah, because you can only improve if you're moving forward, not just restraining yourself.
 
Chazal tell us, sur mai-rah v'asai tov. 
 Leave the bad, but the only way to successfully do that is v'asai tov by doing good.

 Remember:
Your biggest weakness is also your strength.


Btw, another reason I don´t like Finding Nemo is because of the philosophy that ´fish are friends, not food´. 
Excuse me? Ever go out to dinner with a fish? 
Oh, yea. On my plate.
 
Have a beautiful shabbos.

Pain: Covering it, or Controling It?

More important than the actions we do, are the motivations behind them. 

I have a friend who broke her engagement right before her wedding, because she realized beyond a doubt that her ex fiance was marrying her just for her money. But until that point he did a pretty good job convincing her that it was her he really wanted.

 Have I ever done any action for ulterior motives? Absolutely.

The possuk writes, V'hanesiim heiviu et avnei hashoham; And the princes brought the Shoham stones.

  

If you pay close attention, you'll see that word nessiim is written without the letter 'yud'. Though it's small in appearance, the 'yud' is huge in significance. Why is it missing?

When the nessiim of each tribe heard that Hashem wanted a mishkan, tabernacle (gosh, who invented that word?) erected they suggested to Moshe that they alone would supply all the necessary materials for the mishkan. Moshe responded that Hashem would accept contributions from anyone who was willing to give. So, the nesiim decided privately that they wouldn't donate with the rest of the Jewish people but rather they'd wait til the end and supply whatever was lacking.

Although this sounds pretty noble, there was a problem. They underestimated the generosity and devotion of the Jewish people who all gave eagerly and lovingly, so that no more material was needed and they missed their chance. The nessiim were left excluded. They desperately wanted to have a part in the building of the mishkan, so they donated the precious gems for the Eifod and Choshen.  

The Torah omits the letter 'yud' to indicate a failure on the part of the nessiim. Although their intentions were honorable, they were wrong to postpone the fulfillment of a mitzvah. The omission or addition of the letter 'yud' to a name is a very significant change. 

Remember when Moshe added the letter 'yud' to Yehoshua's name? He did that before he went to scout the land of Eretz Yisrael, so that the other spies wouldn't have a negative influence on him.

So it would be important for us to understand the sin that mandated such a punishment.

Rashi, in his commentary, offers an answer. "Since they were lazy, a letter was omitted from their name". Although they thought their intentions were noble, in reality it was indolence that was the motivating factor for not contributing to the mishkan.

Maybe, just maybe, sometimes it's our subconscious that  regulates our reasoning? 

 The subconscious is a strange creature. It doesn't know what day it is, and can't add two and two. But it seems to know what may be causing my pain.

The subconscious has no ability to reason inductively, meaning that it can't use reason to take specific observations (for example, "two plus two") and arrive at general conclusions about them (for example, "equals four").

Instead it often uses blind association to arrive at general conclusions, sometimes linking things that make no logical sense. For example, if as a child you burned your hand on the exhaust pipe of a car when a tall man walked by, your subconscious may believe that tall people make exhaust pipes hot.

Yet despite these and other limitations the subconscious maintains subtle mastery over brain chemistry, regulates hundreds of life-giving processes, stores every word you ever heard or read, and orchestrates massive defenses when alien organisms invade your body.
 The power of the subconscious is frightening.

When I was 20 years old, I organized a seminar consisting of 1,000 young women, for Bnos Agudath Yisrael of America. As part of the program, I had wanted to reserve a certain well known speaker to address the crowd. He was a young, enthusiastic Rabbi who lived in Boro Park. I found his number, called his home, and his wife picked up. 
He wasn´t home, so I left a detailed message and then left my name and number. I was about to hang up, when I hear on the other end, ¨No Way! Are you the Yaffa Berger who went to _________ school for preschool¨? 
Shocked, I answered in the affirmative. She continued telling me how she was my teacher in Pre-1-A.
Suddenly I heard myself shouting. MORAH YOCHEVED?? 
She laughed and told me that she was, indeed, morah Yocheved.
All of a sudden there were tears in my eyes. I related to her how once, in class, when I was 5 years old, I mispronounced a certain word while reading it out loud, and a moment later I corrected myself, but that she had refused to give me a sticker for it. I was devastated because I really, truly, knew the correct way to read it, but yet she didn´t give me that pink, shiny sticker. 
To make a long story short, she asked me for my address and mailed me the sticker.
But to make long stories longer, just delve into the subconscious and see what´s inside. Every little incident can last a lifetime in there, and we often cannot access them until something triggers them to come to life. 
15 years later, the memory of that incident jumped out in front of me, causing me to feel that pain, pain that I had filed away, all over again.

 The subconscious houses the emotions, imagination, memory, habits and intuition.
 Although our conscious mind has the ability to reason and to decide upon the most advantageous course of action, it cannot implement its decision unless the subconscious agrees and directs its energy toward that end. Our source of energy is the subconscious mind. No amount of willpower exerted by the conscious mind can override it. 

Willpower can only dent the surface.  
It is an enormous power that we store in our subconscious mind and it is we that have to take control and direct it toward where we want it to go – not the other way around.

Sometimes life can be painful. Physically, emotionally, or both.

  
The subconscious is so powerful that it may be able to turn episodes of uncontrolled pain into events over which we have a degree of control. It can teach the conscious to create survival techniques that make us feel like winners, but we are, in essence ignoring the deep seated issues that the subconscious covered up to protect us from feeling its pain.

The best biblical example to illustrate how we can so easily trick ourselves is when the 11 brothers, the shevatim, decided that the 12th brother, Yosef, was a threat to their spiritual future.They convinced themselves of that by comparing him to their uncle Esav, and great uncle, Yishmael, and decided they need to sell him and get rid of him for good.

But you and I know the truth. It´s written straight out in the Torah. They were downright jealous of him and wanted him out of their lives.

In order to thrive in life, it is of vital importance for us to be totally in touch with, and aware of our feelings and emotions in order to take control over the subconscious and recognize the true motivation for our actions.

If the intention is wrong, or if we are dishonest with ourselves, we will ultimately come out looking wrong, missing out, or making bad decisions. Or all of the above.

"The teeth are smiling, but is the heart?" (Congolese proverb)

Have a beautiful shabbos.