The Good-bye Party

Parshas Devarim
The desert tour is just about over. After 40 hot, sweaty years of travel, Moshe is wrapping things up in preparation for his retirement. It's strange, though, that instead of ending these trips the usual way, with an inspiring, slightly off-tune kumzitz,  and with everyone posing cheesy smiles for 500 cameras and swapping email addresses, Moshe had another method of saying goodbye. He got up and started giving over 40 years of pent up criticism to the Jewish people. During all these years he just smiled casually at their shortcomings and mistakes, and now, at the end of it all, he opens up the bottle and let's it all out. He spoke to them about Korach's rebellion, about the sin of the Golden Calf, and other not good stuff. Doesn't sound like a very inspiring ending for a rather inspiring journey.

Actually, this was ingenious. Not only that, but it's such a powerful lesson learned from a true leader.

Moshe purposely saved it for now. Because criticism is all nice and dandy, but it has to be given under certain conditions, and timed precisely, in order for the message to be constructive, and not destructive. If the receiving party is left angry, hurt, or defensive- it's better not to bring it up altogether, but if we really wanna help them, we have to know the how and when. Moshe, being completely in touch with his people, clearly realized that the moment was now, and not sooner (or later for that matter, since it would've been a bit freaky to hear it from him  after his death).

The Rambam writes that there are 3 steps to delivering proper criticism:
1: It must be done in privacy and never ever in public. Sometimes we tend to purposely admonish others publicly, just to glorify our own power. Like when an employer feels compelled to show his employees who's boss around here by yelling at a worker in front of everyone. Thumbs down.
2: While rebuking, we must stress the positive and not the negative.
There's a possuk in mishlei that states: Al tochach letz, pen yisnaecha, hochach l'chochom v'yeehavcha. Don't give mussar to a cynical person (you know who that is- every shul has one of those) because he'll just hate you, but give mussar to a wise person and he'll love you.This seems to be pretty logical. A cynical person devalues everything. He lives life in a bowl of cherries and spits the pits out on anyone passing by. Therefore, there's a low probability of him taking your words to heart and trying to improve himself. A wise man, however, wants to improve, and therefore welcomes criticism. Sort of like someone who's beauty conscious and wants to look their best. She'll buy the most magnifying mirror with the sharpest lighting in order to find every blackhead, whitehead and blemish, so she can get rid of them and improve her complexion.

The shlah hakadosh derives a fascinating insight from this possuk in mishlei quoted above.He says to shift the commas around and put emphasis on different words. Listen to this carefully.
Al tochach, letz.- don't criticize someone by calling him a letz- don't tell someone
"You idiot!" 
"you're so stupid"
 "what's wrong with you?!?"
Or any other lovely negative expression- cuz it aint gonna work- pen yisnaecha- he's just gonna hate you.
But, hochach l'chochom- tell him he's achochom  - tell him how smart he is, how good he is, or any other creative positive expression  - v'yeehavecha- and he'll love you. This is the only way to receive the results you're hoping for.
3: You must have the persons' best interest in mind. There may not be any ulterior motives here. No anger, no personal benefit... nothing other than the persons' best interest.

Moshe realized, based on their situation, that now, at the end of the trip, and right before his death was the best time for the mussar. He knew they would listen intently since these were his dying words. He knew they wouldn't have to face him in the future, so there was no embarrassment. He knew that if there any positive changes, they wouldn't be changing for him, since he wouldn't see it anyway, but for themselves. For these reasons, and others, Moshe thought the situation through and timed his criticism perfectly.

Many times throughout our lives we find ourselves in a position to give  criticism to another person. Let's make sure it'll always be constructive and not destructive. 

Just as a side point, on the other end of the spectrum, we have the issue of how to receive criticism. Many of us take a lesson from the weather- we don't pay any attention to criticism. Mussar is a hard thing to accept- it's hard on our egos, it's hard on our emotions... but if we can't acknowledge and accept our shortcomings and  mistakes, there's  zero chance of improvement and growth.  Let's hope people will rebuke us in the correct manner, but whether they do or don't, we have a responsibility to take it to heart- whether taking it with a grain of salt, or removing from it a grain of salt. It's for our benefit.


Have a great shabbos!

Am I A Murderer?

PARSHAS MATOS- MASAY
One of the themes in the sedra this week (Masay) are the Cities of Refuge, the arai miklat. These are special cities where entry is allowed only by someone who's guilty of accidental murder. The reason these cities were founded was not only to escape the perhaps revengeful hand of the victim's pained family. But, also because people who belong there are generally good, straight individuals who committed these unforgivable crimes completely by mistake, and were so torn and broken about it that they just didn't know what to do with themselves or where to go. 

The  Chidushei HaRim explains that when someone in klal yisrael hurts someone, even unintentionally, he naturally feels full of pain and guilt. In fact, he'll be so broken that he'll feel as if he has no place in the world for him to go. That's why Hashem is offering him this City Of Refuge- a safe cove for him to hide in until the passing of the Kohen Gadol which served as the dismissal bell.

I have a friend who, a couple of years ago, at the age of 28 had 6 kids under the age of 10. May she live and be well. One day, her husband went into the hospital for a very minor, uncomplicated sinus procedure, where he was in the hands of a skilled doctor. During the surgery, though, the doctor accidentally touched a wrong nerve which caused bleeding in his eye. While trying to fix that, he shifted the bleeding and caused his patient a serious brain hemorrhage. He remained in the hospital, completely relying on life support, in a vegetative state, for the last few months of his life.
The point of bringing you this tragic story was not just to be a carrier of bad news. No way. It's because the doctor, a fine, honest, caring Jew, was so beside himself with pain and guilt that he just didn't, and still doesn't know where to put himself. He wants to run. He wants to hide. He wants to cry. He wants to repent. When I was reading the parsha this week, I understood a little better how important it is to have these cities of refuge for people who are guilty- but purely by accident.

Now, there's a catch here. Yes, the cities of refuge are a wonderful thing for people. But, it only helps if a person really feels remorse and pain. It only benefits a person who is so shattered by what he did that he feels there is no place in the world for him to go.  Someone who's not touched or moved too deeply by his mistake will not find consolation or benefit in any way from going there.
Why??
Because when you harm someone in any way, and you deeply regret it, this can be something very positive and beneficial. It can motivate you to improve. It can encourage you to be more careful next time. Even when we do things by accident, there's a high chance that if we would have been just that much more careful, it wouldn't have happened. So if the guilty feeling brings one to be more attentive or less negligent in the future, there will definitely be a positive outcome from their mistake. And that's what the arei miklat are for. To help deal with the guilty party's emotions and help him become a person who's more conscious and careful.

Thank G-d most of us aren't actually killing anybody, but we sure do hurt people in many other ways. We don't have a City Of Refuge for that, nor do we need one. But let's at least try to feel guilty when we do, and try to turn those feelings into greater consciousness and alertness.

Someone once went to the Steipler Gaon and asked him for a bracha that he should be found innocent in court for a  violation of a traffic law. Instead of giving him a blessing, the Steipler admonished him, saying "If you violated a traffic law, you're endangering the lives of other people. Therefore, you are deserving  of the greatest punishment."
We hurt people with words and with actions. Ironically, we also hurt people with a lack of words and a lack of action.
This weeks parsha teaches us AWARENESS. To recognize when  we have caused someone pain and to feel so bad about that mistake, that we will not repeat it again in the future.

Have a great shabbos!

Sinning... for the sake of heaven?

Rabbi Chaim of Brisk once said about zealousness: Both a housewife and a cat want to destroy mice. The sole difference lies in their attitudes. The housewife really wants to be rid of them. The cat, however, wants the mice to be there to attack them.

 Pinchas acted zealously in this week's Torah portion to stop a public display of immorality.

When Pinchas killed Zimri and Kosbi, a tremendous controversy erupted among the people as to whether his actions were correct or murderous. This week's parsha begins with G-d "testifying" to the correctness of what Pinchas did. First, because of what Pinchas did, he stemmed the plague that had broken out and was killing multitudes.  Second, the Torah repeatedly identifies Pinchas as the grandson of Aharon HaKohen.

 From Law and Order and NYPD, to CSI and NCIS, the people of our generation can indefinitely figure out a way to commit murder without getting caught. The story of Pinchas’ crime would have made a great episode. He could’ve gotten away with it. But he didn’t. He openly confessed. Why did he do it? And why did he admit it?

The motives of the zealot who takes unilateral action are extremely important, for his very qualifications as a zealot hinge upon the question of what, exactly, prompted him to do what he did. Is he truly motivated to "still G-d's wrath", or has he found a holy outlet for his individual aggression? Is his act truly an act of peace, driven by the desire to reconcile an errant people with their G-d, or is it an act of violence, made kosher by the assumption of the label "zealot"?

And this leads us to the concept of Aveira Lishma. A sin in the name of heaven. 

This concept is more than just doing an immoral act with proper motive. It's not just about breaking the speed limit to rush someone to the emergency room. It's a whole lot more.

Technically, one should be repulsed by  loshon harah. But suddenly there’s a scandal involving their neighbor, or even their Rav, and the loshon harah starts pouring out. “It’s l’shem shamayim!” No it’s not. That’s not kanaut, zealousness. That’s their bad middos waiting for an opportunity to come out. Another example of mistaken Aveira Lishma; Cheating the government. “I’m allowed to. I learn in Kollel! It’s L’shem shamayim!” No it’s not. Speaking against certain schools, institution, rabbanim….Getting involved in community politics, creating machlokes…

We think it’s an Aveira lishma. Most of the time it’s not. It’s about my ego.

There is a mishne in Pirkei Avos “ Hevei Boreach min haAveira” One must run away from a sin. The only word that comes to mind here is  Duh!  I was expecting something a little more profound from the mishne. Actually, it IS profound. The Gr”a explains that it’s not teaching us to run away from regular sin. But even an Aveira Lishma should be done reluctantly, and only as a last resort. Like Queen Esther marrying Achashverosh. Like Yael killing the mighty king Sisra.

So how do I know if my zealousness is really for the sake of heaven? I must ask myself: “Does Hashem want me to be doing this?” Is He ok with me burning down a sheitel store because I feel sheitels aren’t tzanua? That’s what the Possuk says about Pinchas, G-d said “ Pinchas was zealous out of concern for MY honor”.  It wasn’t for his ego.

Just like the scenario with the housewife vs. the cat in getting rid of the mouse, the same applies to protests against misdeeds. One must sincerely not want the misdeeds. One should not just use the misdeed as an opportunity to engage in protesting.

"The road to hell is paved with good intentions." That's only if we fail to analyze those intentions.

Have a great Shabbos!

 

 

 

 

Some People are Wise; Some are Otherwise

Parshas Korach

I found this story in Rav Dessler's michtav me'eliyahu, and he writes there that he saw it written by Rav Hai Gaon.
Obviously Im paraphrasing.

The setting is a forest with a lion and a fox conversing calmly. The fox remains cool when the lion casually asks if he can eat him for dinner. 

Now, the fox knows that the lion is an Atkin's kinda guy.

"Your majesty", explains the fox, "I'm a skinny and bony piece of meat. I will be a fat free, carbs free, taste free dinner. I know just what will satisfy you. I will introduce you to a very fat human being who will serve as the most tasty, luscious meal for his majesty".

They walk a few feet and stand beside an invisible pit, covered with only branches and leaves. Behind it sits a Jewish man wrapped in his tallis and tefillin.

"Hmmm" drooled the lion, "he looks real tempting. But, I'm afraid he might start praying and then something bad will happen to me...".

"Oh, don't be silly", replied Mr. Fox, "nothing will happen to you, or to your son. Maybe your grandson will hafta suffer from it, but that's really far ahead. By the time your grandson comes around you would have enjoyed this (any many more) tantalizing meals. Don't worry, Your Highness, indulge!"

The lion's persuaded and runs towards the man. While running over the covered pit, he falls inside and is trapped.

Smirking, the fox peers over the edge of the pit and looks down.

"Didn't you tell me that the punishment would only come upon my grandson," growled the angry lion? 

"Hmmm..." (fox scratches head, pretends to think) "...maybe your grandfather did something wrong, and now you're suffering!"

This humorous little fable is actually a lot deeper than it appears on the surface.

In this week's parsha, Korach, who was a very intelligent man and a very honorable person, made a grave mistake. He, along with 250 heads of the Sanhedrin, openly accused Moshe and Aharon of making the fate of the Jewish people worse by taking them out of Egypt. Between you and me, this is the stupidest thing Ive ever heard. It was obvious that life outside of slavery was ideal and more enjoyable, and yet, Korach and his teammates (including the renowned delinquents Dasan and Aveeram) insisted with such certainty about the misdeeds of Moshe and Aharon, that it actually sounded true and convincing.

Sometimes we come across the most intelligent, educated people who vigorously argue their opinions and convictions, when there's no doubt that what they're saying is in complete contrast with the Torah. 

We have to be careful not to let their intelligence blind us from realizing that we cannot trust them when their personal desires block them from seeing the truth. Since they're so smart, they can use their intelligence to mislead others into accepting their argument as truth and logic. When we have our own agenda, we can easily fail to focus on the truth, but rather everything seems to surround our personal desires. This, needless to say is very dangerous.  This is how Obama became president.

The most obvious contemporary example portraying this idea would be $$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (no, this is not in place of a French word) . How many marriages suffer because of misuse of money? How many wives mindlessly spend more money than their husbands earn causing him to either go into heart attack induced debt, or, worse, leading him to work dishonestly to fulfill her desires? We can easily be carried away by our wants, (aka needs) allowing ourselves to further crooked our priorities. The same thing is with honor. On whatever level, a person running after fame or recognition can be blinded from the truth while trying to reach his goal. 

Getting back to the forest scene from earlier, maybe the lion fell into the trap simply because he was attracted to some fatty meat? His desire prevented him from seeing what he realized afterward was the truth.

We hafta be on guard constantly. Either we're bound to meet people who seem smart, but are doing things we know are anti Torah, and  we need to not be mislead by their charm and intelligence. Or, we, ourselves might arrive at a moment where our personal desires may start taking over our knowledge of right and wrong, and therefore we have to have clarity of mind and be focused on the truth in order to assure that our personal agenda will not interfere.

 I don't know about you, but I can never have a piece of chocolate cake or full fat ice cream all by myself. I always need to know that someone else is gonna gain the weight too, so before I indulge I run around looking for people to share in the delight with me.

Nobody likes to sin alone. We tend to drag people down with us. If we have a convincing argument, they're certain to join us.

Korach  and his people were intelligent, high class, educated men who had a convincing argument which contradicted the truth. These are the kind of people we have to keep our distance from... and also, to be cautious not to become one of them.

 Have a great shabbos

Swimming Against the Tide: Parshas Shelach

We all know the story of the miraglim, spies, and how they returned with a negative report about Eretz Yisrael. The crime committed here was loshon horah.  It seemed this negativity was contagious, since all but two of the miraglim  joined in with the bashing. It's actually impressive that those two remained exceptions. Because swimming against  the tide , and standing up for your convictions against opposing forces, is hard. Very hard.

 

The power of influence is a strong one, where even the most confident and stable people can easily fall. For a person to put themselves in a situation where they might be influenced for the negative, is taking a VERY big risk. Even if they don't think they can be moved from it, or even if they think it wont 'touch' them. Because, what happens when you walk into a fresh fish store? Even if you don't touch any fish, you walk out stinking like raw carp. So it is with the power of influence.

 

What is the trick to being able to be around a negative situation and not become influenced? Actually, I have no idea. If you have any advice on this, please send it my way. But meanwhile, let's see how kalev and Yehoshua, our two heroes, survived, and thrived from this difficulty.

 

They each had there own method of survival. Yehoshua had a rav. His name was Moshe Rabeinu. Moshe blessed his talmid before he left on his journey, that he should be saved from any spiritual obstacles along the way. Yehoshua  also knew that he can turn to Moshe whenever he needed him to ask for advice, which is what he did. Having a mentor, as we learn in pirkei avos is of utmost importance. Someone whom we can look to for inspiration and advice. Someone that we can trust will have our best interest in mind, and therefore give us the correct guidance.  This person can be a Rav, a teacher, a parent, or even a friend. As long as chosen mentor respects his or her own Torah hierarchy.

 

Kalev unfortunately did not have a rav or mentor as his partner did.  Yet, he needed someone just as much as Yehoshua did. So what did he do? He decided to speak to Hashem and he put himself in the arms of his Creator, asking for the strength he needs to overcome the spiritual difficulties that may lie in his path.

Now, this sounds like a beautiful and ideal solution, except there was one problem. He had to put himself in sakana, danger, by traveling to Chevron  to daven. It was more complex and a lot riskier- both physically and spiritually.

Obviously, Yehoshua's method is the ideal one. Perhaps due to the proper guidance he received, he was able to eventually become the leader of klal Yisrael. Evidently, this is what we should be striving for. At any age. We're never too old to learn from someone or to seek advice from another. Never.

Kalev's situation should be used as a last resort. No, I don't mean the davening to G-d, but rather the prayer on its own without a tangible messenger to learn from. Having a relationship, and opening the channels of communication with God, is the goal! But in order to understand His answers, and His Torah, we need to have those messengers to guide us in making proper choices.

Common denominator: They both had yirat shamayim, an awareness of God's constant presence and involvement, and turned to Him, each with their own method, to seek instruction.

 

(It would be a good idea also to set up safety nets around yourself if being in a potentially spiritually harmful situation is inevitable, besides for having a proper mentor).

 

"Life is like a shower... one wrong turn and you're in hot water". 

 

Have a great shabbos!

Attitude of Gratitude; Parshas Bahaaloscha

There is a variety of topics discussed in the Parsha this week, but we'll speak about just one.

The Jews are still traveling in the desert- it can take us about 40 years to finish that topic... but while they were there, we see in the p'sukim that they complained again and again about the difficulties of being there. At this point, they had problems with the menu. Needless to say, G-d was rightfully upset at them. I mean, think about it, here was a group of people who had been enslaved, and were just released to freedom. They had been through endless open miracles. They were literally being carried in Hashem's hands. And all they do is complain? What a chutzpah!

But, the truth is, we learn an incredible life lesson from these people.

G-d created us in a fascinating way. Our minds naturally focus on what we're lacking. Without any effort, they just flip to the negative side and notice the things we don't have. The only way to focus on the good things we have and on the positive, it to make a conscious effort for our minds to go there.

Even though the Jews were given  every single thing they needed, plus tax, they were still not able to notice that. They didnt feel the love. They didnt respond with happiness. Instead of filling up their minds with focus on the goodness, they left them empty to roam the negative pastures.

When Hashem noticed that nothing He can do will make them happy, that's when He got upset. No matter how much goodness was bestowed upon them; no matter how much blessing they got, they still never maintained a level of happiness and gratitude for more than a day.

I know a woman who has a really blessed life. She and her husband are each healthy, nice looking, well liked, and have stable, high income jobs. They have 3 beautiful, healthy, successful children, all happily married to wonderful people. We would expect this woman to be ecstatic with what life had offered her. She should be jumping for joy while counting her blessings. But, no. This lucky woman is easily upset, sad, short tempered and just miserable more often than not. Once, a mutual friend questioned her about why she was so distraught on a particular day. Her answer was (there should really be a powerful adjective here but it's not coming to mind... so we'll settle for) astonishing. You know what was making her life so unbearably miserable? She was in the process of redoing her home, and she had shlepped around all over the neighborhood to find bathroom faucets that matched perfectly with the toilet and counters, and she just couldn't find any. Poor poor lady.

Try to imagine spending hours, and even days, cooking a delicious meal for very special company. You spend a lot of time researching their favorite dishes, and then you make all 12 favorites. You put your heart and soul into it. They arrive and eat eat their hearts out. Ahhh, what nachas. You sit back watching them enjoy your luscious work. Imagine, if the next day, one of them calls you up and tells you that "the food was very good, thanx, but you forgot to serve mousse. You know how much I looooove mousse". 

SLAP.

How unappreciative could someone be? Is it possible to ever make a person like this happy? I dunno about you, but I wouldn't be running to invite these people again too quickly.

In order to fully appreciate the good things that G-d has given us, we need to take out the time to focus on them. That's the first step toward happiness and inner peace. And, obviously, the opposite is true, too. Failing to notice the blessings, and allowing our minds to navigate toward our lackings will result in tension and unhappiness.

"Some people are so poor, that all they have is money".

Have a great shabbos

Reading Between The Lines- Parshas Naso

So about 20 years ago, during the Gulf War, it was obvious to anyone with functional eyes and ears that Israel was experiencing an outpouring of open miracles. Once, during a particularly stressful day where missilles were falling left, right and center, and in one neighborhood, people spent more time in their bomb shelters than they did in their homes, something amazing happened. Building after building was being hit and crumpled to the ground, but not one person, NOT EVEN ONE PERSON was killed. Not. One. When it was safe to go outside again, some of the residents of that area were met by microphones and reporters. No one was able to believe what had just happened. One man found himself with a mike shoved up his throat and a reporter shouting questions at him. No one really remembers the news report from that day. But I will never forget the conversation between this man and the reporter. He asked "So how do you feel about the tremendous miracles that transpired here today?" The citizen responsed: "Nah, these aren't miracles. Things like this happen all the time in Israel!"

Sometimes we need to learn how to learn how to 'read between the lines'.

The parsha this week discusses two major topics, each one important, but seemingly unrelated to each other. The first is the sotah, the accused adulterer, and the second topic is about the nazir, the one who vows to refrain from wine. What's the connection between these two people; why are they spoken about together?

The gemorah explains that the misuse of wine is what led to the problem of suspected adultery. Therefore, one who is present and witnesses the process of this accusation, should respond by refraining to drink wine.

So is that the moral of the story here? No more Jack Daniels? Burn the shot glasses? Not so fast. That's the moral for the nazir. The lesson that we pull out is different. The idea is that everything that happens to us, or even something impersonal, but yet in our presence, is happening for us to absorb as a learning experience; an opportunity to learn a custom-made message which G-d is sending our way.

For the nazir, it was realizing the negative consequences of intoxication, and therefore he reads his message as a necessity to abstain from wine. But for each one of us its something unique, based on our circumstances and on our personal differences.

There's a medrash, when discussing the miracle of krias yam suf, that states: Raata shifcha al hayam ma shelo ra'ah Yechezkel ben Buzi... there was a maidservant by the water who saw miracles that even Yechezkel ben Buzi hadn't seen...

R' Chatzkel Levenstein shares with us an inspiring insight. 

He asks: This woman witnessed an incredible revelation. She saw such a great level of truth and clarity of the way Hashem works... How can a woman who's worthy of such greatness be called a shifcha, maidservant? She's a neviah! A prophetess!

Yechezkel ben Buzi was a major navi. He was the closest one can get to the maaseh mercava- to the angels, and to the ways of G-d.  And, his prophecy was one of the top revelations...

And here we have a woman, who has seen greater things than him, and she's being called a maidservant?!?

Yes. Because she stood there and witnessed such a superior revelation of the greatness of G-d, and so many open miracles, yet she still remained exactly the same person she was before. She was present at one of the greatest moments in history, and yet, she remained, in actions and thoughts, unchanged. Her name didn't change from "Maria the maidservant" to "Maria the prophetess".  She didn't change at all.

Yechezkel became a navi, not because of what he saw, but because he used each prophecy to grow and improve, and become a better person.

Two people can go through the same experience in life, but have two different reactions from it. One can become more sensitive and make positive changes, and the other will remain exactly the same; untouched, unmoved, unchanged.

So, although this maidservant may have seen more, it's not what you see or experience that makes the difference, but how you take the lessons from it and apply them. That's what counts.

Whether we acknowledge something beautiful, shocking, or inspiring... whether its a positive experience, or a negative one, there's something special in it for us to pick out and learn from. What a waste to let these opportunities fly away, cuz chances are, that moment will not return in the same form. Yes, you'll be inspired again some day, but the result of the  action will be a different one. The first one is gone... forever.

 When a person acts on inspiration, so much goodness can be accomplished. 

Does G-d speak to man? Most definitely. But He speaks between the  lines. In order to hear Him, there are a few rules:

1. Eyes must remain open at all times.

2. Ears must be cleaned and unplugged.

3. Minds must be exercised, focused, and open.

4. Hearts must be soft, good, and beating.

"Nah, these aren't miracles. Things like this happen all the time in Israel!"

Really!?

"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it".

Have a great shabbos