Obligation vs Voluntary

One day, when *my sister was a teenager, she walked into *her room and noticed it was in a state of mild disaster. She decided right then that she will not make any plans that day until her room is spotless. 

A moment later, my mom passed by and, poking her head in she said to her, “what a pigsty! Please clean up your room immediately!” She replied in the negative and marched out of her room.

In just a split second, she went from feeling tremendous desire to tremendous defiancy and shoulder shrugging. What had changed?

 It had become an obligation.

When something goes from voluntary to obligatory, our level of desire and motivation completely changes.

*names and places have been changed to protect the innocent. #cough #itsjustphlegm

Many of the offerings described in Parshas Vayikra are completely voluntary in nature. If these mitzvot are so important, why isn't their performance obligatory, and if they aren't, for what purpose did God give them?

Human beings are pleasure-seekers. Most people seek pleasure in careers, vacations, cars, homes, shoes…and we tend to grumble about obligations as unpleasant aggravations. We don´t like to be tied down to responsibility.

The Sages say: "Greater is someone who does a good deed by being commanded, than one who does so voluntarily." Why? Because when we're obligated, our desire for independence makes us resistant. It activates the yetzer hara. So if we can overcome that to perform the good deed, then we're a bigger person because of it.

God made certain mitzvot optional, because if they were obligatory, performing them would not be accompanied by the same sense of donating one's time and energy for the sake of God and would not produce the same result.

The mitzvah of bringing sacrifices is discussed in such great detail, signifying their importance, and yet they are only voluntary. 

 This has taught me two important lessons.

The first thing I realized is that I will not be inviting any animal rights activists for Shabbos.

And the second lesson is the importance of changing my perspective on obligations. Obligations can be and should be pleasurable and fulfilling. They actualize our potential. They are the basis of our self esteem.

It may be difficult to fulfill obligations, but there's tremendous pleasure in accomplishing what has to get done. It´s energizing.

Think of an example of the tiniest amount of pleasure you get from fulfilling a seemingly insignificant obligation. Like, returning the extra five dollars to the store after they miscalculated your change. You leave the store with your head held so high, you almost end up in a back bend. Now try to imagine the feeling involved in fulfilling a much greater obligation!

What determines whether we view obligations as a cause for distress, or as a delight?

Whether we view ourselves primarily as a "body" or as a "soul."

Bodies do not like obligations, because they require effort. The body would rather be on vacation. The body wants to sit on the couch all day, eating potato chips and watching Seinfeld reruns.

Souls thrive on obligations. It gives a sense of importance, dignity, eternity.

We need to figure out what's really important in life. When we have that clarity, then we're willing to ignore the body's complaints and listen to the yearnings of the soul.

That's when we will identify with the soul's desire to fulfill obligations and feel the satisfaction and fulfillment it brings.

I will now go finish voluntarily cooking for my obligation of Shabbos, before all my food becomes a burnt offering.

Have a beautiful Shabbos!

Yaffa

It´s Only A Stupid Detail

Today, in just three short sentences, I´m going to share my tips for being a successful businessperson:

Don´t. Be. Me.

I have a knack for starting businesses. Not because I like to buy and sell, but because I like people. So, my business pursuits are always related to local needs.

The problem is, none of the commerce I have engaged in has ever lasted long enough for me to even earn back the money I´ve laid out to open it.

Now, I´m not like this in any other area of my life, so what am I doing wrong in my business dealings? I carry top of the line, gorgeous, trendy products. I always choose cute, catchy names. My latest entrepreneural attempt was a hair accessory store called ´Bandana Republic.´ I know, right?!

So, wherein lies my downfall? It doesn´t lie as much in my brutal honesty in telling customers when something doesn’t suit them, as it does in my hopeless ability to keep proper records of incoming and outgoing merchandise, or keeping any fiscal accounts.

 I realized all of this while studying Parshas Pikudei.

Pikudei literally means  the sum, and in it, the Torah makes an account and summary of all the materials, donations, vessels and objects used in making and in being a part of the Sanctuary. This Torah portion is the last one in the book of Shemos, and by summarizing all the details of the past parshios, it teaches a few important lessons, which I´ll share with you now.

The first is the importance of taking inventory; whether physically or spiritually. Where am I holding? What have I accomplished? Where have I failed? How can I be more successful? How can I improve? Asking ourselves these questions at the end of the day, week or month is the first step to success.

The second lesson I´ve learned this week is about the importance of details. Details seem so insignificant; but are they? Two weeks ago, as I´m sure you noticed (if you didn’t notice, please make believe you did) I didn´t post anything about the Parsha. It wasn´t because I forgot about it, nor was it because I had nothing to write. I actually sat at my desktop researching, learning, thinking, writing, and editing…for hours. Then suddenly, while I was rereading and about to save it, my two year old just marched over and pulled out the plug.

And all my brilliance disappeared. Just. Like. That.  

Of course, I blamed it on God, assuming He probably didn´t like my awesome connection between Ki Sisa and Valentine´s Day. But really, it was my own fault for forgetting one teeny, tiny detail. The icon in the top left corner of the page, known as ´Save.´

Details are a lot more important than we realize.

A parent has an obligation to nourish and protect their child. That would mean giving them bread, water, a pair of shoes, an outfit, a coat, and a roof. Do we know any parent that stops at their obligation? We give a lot more than that. Because, what teaches a person that we love them and care about them, are the details. Gifts, compliments, unexpected and unnecessary sweet gestures….

 Of course even those can be given out of obligation and without a connection to the heart. Therefore, even more important than what we say, do, or give, is how we say, do or it give it. A friend of mine refers to compliments as wrapping paper, because the outside is not JUST a detail- it is just as important as the gift itself.   

Taking the time to give sincere, specific praise to someone, can be life changing.

Relationships are often taken for granted. We just assume that that friend, spouse, boss, employee…will always be there. I need to ask myself, Am I skating by my relationships by just doing the bare minimum? By fulfilling my obligations? Or am I putting thought and detail into the things I say and do? Am I considering the other person´s best intentions when I give to them, or am I concerned with my own? Am I paying attention to their needs? Really paying attention?

How many of us hold back compliments just because?

That´s detail.

Bare in mind, of course, that accounting for everything can also lead to pettiness, so we need to focus the attention to detail on the positive side of the middah.

Another significant lesson we learn from our theme of accounting for everything, is, in my opinion the most important characteristic for a person to possess, and that is the middah of hakarat hatov, recognition of goodness or kindness being done to us and being grateful for it.

What made the mishkan so beautiful? The unity, the selfless donations, the work, sweat and tears that people put into it. That accounting of every single material used, every item donated, every ounce of energy and effort…might all be mentioned just to teach us the art of gratitude. Was the woman who donated one earring to the mishkan insignificant? (The OCD in me really hopes she donated the other one shortly after.) No. Her tiny donation made her just as important as the woman who donated a big copper mirror. Every single action, every little kindness should be remembered and appreciated. Who knows? That little earring may be what holds the entire kiyor together!

We may not realize it, but every little detail, no matter how seemingly insignificant, can actually be playing a very important role in our lives. I came to this realization the time I spent an entire night with a mosquito in my bed.

Next time you catch yourself thinking that that little compliment on your tongue is just silly and no big deal to hold back, remember how your seemingly inconsequential words are actually quite consequential, and can literally change the recipient´s day, week…or even their life.

What to do if the compliment is not on your tongue? If you haven´t even thought of giving one?

That can be learned by the next lesson of accounting.

A few weeks ago the Jews cheated on God by building the Golden calf. That betrayal had broken a level of trust between God and us, and quite deservingly so.   

But, instead of reaching for the gun, God concentrated instead on the good they were doing for Him and for His mishkan. He made an accounting of all the materials and donations and work force, because we need to learn the value of forgiveness and moving forward. Even after we stabbed Him in the back, He still allowed us to go ahead and build that Sactuary. The Sactuary that is God´s home; so holy and intimate.

Right away, he trusted us again. He believed in us and in our relationship with Him.

So, Hashem made an accounting in the Torah, to teach us that sometimes people screw up, they do bad things…really bad…but instead of focusing on that negative action or on the hurt feelings, we should turn our focus to other details. To the good details.

If someone wrongs me, I need remove myself from the negativity, move forward, and focus on the accounting of the positive attributes of that person. This can be very difficult because even if some good is found, our nature is to let the negative shine through. 

So, the message is that in order to find that goodness, we need to go so far to focus on the positive, that we should become petty about it! Become petty about every good detail. Remember every little good thing they have ever done to you and for you.

After reaching this level, you think you might have a compliment or two on your tongue?

And now, here´s my account and summary of my post.

Pekudei.  Personal inventory. Accountings. Details. Forgiveness. Positive focus. Sincere compliments.

And most importantly, I learned to save my work on the computer.

It´s all in the details.

Have a beautiful Shabbos!

Yaffa

Follow Your Nose

I'm going to share a secret with you. If you're trying to sell your home, right before a potential buyer arrives, knead together a fluffy dough, and put it in the oven to bake. As the viewer come inside, the delicious aroma of fresh bread will enter his nostrils, bringing a message to the brain that this is a homey, comfortable house, which might ultimately lead him to buy it.

We often come in contact with the sense of seeing, the sense of hearing, as well as the senses of touch and taste. How many times has the sense of smell  been acknowledged? Let's get in touch a bit with our smelling sensation.

The Torah speaks a lot about the korbanos, describing them as a REIACH NICHOACH for Hashem. By wording it like this, the possuk seems to indicate that there must be something spiritual about smell.

You probably think I'm about to tell you what a holy, spiritual, enlightening, and inspiring concept smell is. Don't hold your breath. I'm not even sure yet where I'm going with this.

 

 Here's was I know about smell. Our sense of smell is 10,000 times more sensitive than any other of our senses and recognition of smell is immediate. Other senses like touch and taste must travel through the body via neurons and the spinal cord before reaching the brain whereas the olfactory response is immediate, extending directly to the brain without an intermediary. To see, we need the use of our eyeball lenses. To hear, we need the vibrations in our eardrums. Smelling is the only place where our central nervous system is directly exposed to the environment.

The smelling sensation just goes straight to the brain.

Chaza"l  tell us that a talmid chacham is compared to the Arzei halelvonon, a type of tree. Why? Rav Adler from Baltimore said once that it's because by the arzei halevonon, not only do the flowers release a delicious smell, but the branches and leaves do as well. When a talmid chacham does mitzvos, of course they're done beautifully and sweetly. But the insight over here is that when a person is a talmid chacham, then even his regular and mundane activities are done with beauty and emanate a certain sweetness. The way he talks, walks, deals in business...everything has a delicious smell. Not only the maasim tovim. 

 Why am I saying that his mitzvos and maasim tovim are compared to the smell of the fruits of the tree? Cuz the essrog, which smells incredibly good is compared by chaza"l to the maasim tovim of a person.

There is another topic discussed in the parsha this week. It's something especially applicable to the lucky members of the  female species, but the lesson is for everyone. No, I'm not having an ADD moment; we'll connect the two topics in a minute.

The gorgeous, shiny kiyor in the mishkan, as everyone knows, was crafted by using the famous mirrors of the women in Mitzraim. 

Why were these mirrors worthy of being used for the holy kiyor? Because of the reason the women used them. They didn't sit and stare at themselves all day to make sure every hair was in place, and all the spare tires are tucked in tight. 

 These righteous women had a plan. Their husbands were tired and depressed from the backbreaking labor they were busy with all day. They looked at the future in darkness. The light at the end of the tunnel had burned out. They wanted to discontinue life. They couldn't allow children to be born into such misery.

But, their brilliant, holy wives realized that even though the light was out, it will shine brightly again one day. And then they would regret not doing the mitzvah of peru urevu- having children. So they decided that the only way to fix up the situation was to seduce their husbands to make them want to fulfill this mitzvah. So they put on makeup, and flirted, and using the mirrors, they pointed out to them how beautiful they looked. Obviously, it worked. And this is why those mirrors are so holy. 

Because in the world we live in, there's a time and place for everything. Hashem  put into the nature of a woman, the ability to flirt and seduce. Unfortunately it's usually used, and therefore viewed, as something negative. But in reality it's not at all something to be denied and deleted. God gave it to us to use in the right time and the right place, which is what those women in Egypt realized. Their intentions were pure. Their motivation was directed upward. And they used their abilities l'sheim shomayim.

And that's with everything God gave us. Our duty in life is to take the regular, mundane things, and elevate them. 

To turn neutral into good.  
 Like the Talmid chacham. Even the regular and the mundane is sweet. The whole tree smells good, not just the fruits and flowers.

Look at that, we made it holy. 

Have a beautiful shabbos,

Yaffa

Paving My Road With Diamonds

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Since I´m not planning on retiring there, I´m quite disinterested in its architecture. How come no one ever tells us what the road to heaven is paved with? That is what I wanna know.
And that is what we will find out in the parsha this week.

Parshas Tetzaveh dedicates most of its pages to fashion and design.

Well, kinda. The specific styles it speaks about are vintage clothing, retro design, and ancient architecture.

Moshe was commanded to make garments for the Kohanim. Included in these was the ephod, a piece of clothing similar to an apron, with two straps on top holding the avnei shoham, precious stones, encased in gold. Hashem told Moshe to engrave the names of all the twelve shevatim onto the stones as a remembrance of them, so that every time the Kohain Gadol did the avodah, Hashem would remember the righteousness of the tribes.

So, here´s my question:
Seriously? The shevatim? Those shevatim have caused so much drama and commotion in the past, and, granted they have made the parsha stories captivating and suspenseful, but aren´t we supposed to leave them in the past and get on with our uncomplicated lives?  
The avodah of the Kohain Gadol is vital and highly sensitive; the world's very existence depends upon it. As a result, there are many items that are avoided in the avodah so as not to bring up even the faintest memories of sin. While there is no question that the shevatim were men of extraordinary greatness, that greatness was also tainted by their sins. 

Whether it was Reuven being impulsive and making poor decisions, or Shimon and Levi's aggression and deceit, or the collaborative conspiracy of selling their brother, they seemed to have been far from perfect. And even though they had a rationale for what they did, they still plotted and carried out an attempt to kill Yosef, one of the greatest tzadikim in the history of mankind. Didn't that sin permanently affect who they were?
Shouldn't that be reason enough not to have their names engraved on the holiest and most critical chest in the world? 

The issue is based on a matter of perspective. A diamond is an object of beauty, yet even a minor imperfection can greatly devalue it. A small flaw can transform a priceless gem into an almost worthless stone. However, not every flaw destroys a diamond's value.

Imagine I would place two diamonds in front of you. One is a beautifully cut jewel with a minor flaw, and the other the same as the first, but flawless. A perfect diamond. 
Looking at them both, wouldn't it be safe for you to assume that the flawless diamond is more valuable than the other one?

Now, if we bring in a diamond expert to appraise the two diamonds, we would be surprised to hear that there is actually a huge difference between them; but that the diamond with the minor flaw is worth a fortune while the perfect one is almost valueless- because it's a fake.

One of the signs that a diamond is real, is that it has a flaw. While it may be a very minor imperfection and almost unnoticeable, all genuine diamonds have flaws. 
The only perfect diamonds we can find are made of cubic zirconium, and are therefore costume jewelry and fake. 

Same thing with the human. Man was not created to be perfect. Perfection rests in the realm of malachim. An angel never sins, and therefore an angel is perfect. But malachim, in all their perfection, cannot determine their destiny. They have one job to do with no option of not doing it. Therefore, they have no free will, no challenges, and no growth.   
Only man was given the opportunity to determine his destiny either by becoming the greatest of all or by sinking to the lowest of all.

How do I create who I would be for eternity? 
With the gift of free will. Now, free will doesn't mean the theoretical ability to choose; it means being put into situations where two choices are viable and both options are real. 
I need to be challenged. To allow for that, I need to be tempted to choose either good or bad and be given the ability to make mistakes. 

The idea of living without mistakes or without sin is not very probable and is not an ideal to strive for.

Actually, looking back in history, there have been four human beings who have never sinned. (I almost made the list, but messed it up just last week. And it wasn't even my fault.)

Who were these four perfect humans I speak of? 

Amram, Moshe Rabeinu's father
Yishai, Dovid Hamelech's father
Binyamin, Yosef Hatzadik's brother
Kilav, Shlomo Hamelech's brother

Now tell me, who became greater leaders and people in their lifetimes, the non-sinners or their relatives?
Amram or Moshe?
Yishai or Dovid?
Binyamin or Yosef?
Kilav or Shlomo?

The people who have reached the highest ranks of greatness were not the ones who were perfect. We can only reach greatness through mistakes, through challenges, and through embracing our flaws. 
At the end of his days, man is not measured by how much he has sinned. He is measured by how great he has become.
So, the shevatim were men of unimaginable greatness, but they also had flaws which caused them to sin. They were huge, beautiful, real diamonds- with flaws.

When viewing a diamond, you can't see the flaw unless you look through a jewelers loop that magnifies the stone by a power of ten times or more. It can only be perceived through direct scrutiny, and not by the naked eye. All the eye can see is its beauty.

While the blemishes will always be there, so will the shining brilliance of the jewel. One does not cancel out the other; its flaw isn't eliminated, nor is its brilliance eradicated. Both will always be there, because both have to be there.
I am a beautiful diamond with a flaw. And so are you.

And now I know all about the road to heaven. It is paved with error, sins, teshuva, and the next level of error.
Who knew it was that easy?

Have a beautiful shabbos, 
Yaffa

Fear Of Change

There was a study done in the United States a few years ago. The results were astonishing.

Since I don't remember the percentage in numbers, I won't make believe I know them. But what I do recall very clearly is this: A large majority of adults are more afraid to move  to a different city, and start a new job, meet new neighbors, make new friends,..... than they are of dying.  

Were the statistics similar in Egypt, 3300 years ago?

The possuk writes VACHAMUSHIM ALU B'NEI YISROEL M'ERETZ MITZRAIM.

 Rashi explains that  Vachamushim means that only one fifth of the Jewish people left Mitzraim. What happened to the other four fifths?  Four fifths of the Jewish people did not leave Mitzraim, since they got killed during the makah of choshech- darkness. Why were they killed? Because they didn't want to leave Mitzraim. They were happy and comfortable where they were. They were used to their lives, and just didn't want to leave. 

How dare I accuse them of such an attitude? 

 

Rashi, in Parshat Bahalotcha writes that after the redemption, on their way to receive the Torah, they had the easiest, most relaxing lives one can ever imagine. They strolled through the desert, received food from the sky, no need to shop, no need to cook, no need to work for a living, no looking for parking, no gaining weight (!!!)... . I mean, after 210 years of slavery, man, this was the life! This defines freedom!

But yet, what happened? Were they full of gratitude? Were they overwhelmed with love for their Savior? It doesnt seem so. In Parshat Bahalotcha Rashi  describes the kvetches and complaints of the Jewish people in the desert. They cried out to Moshe that they want to go back to Egypt! 

They said they wanted to turn around and head straight back to Egypt... where they had free fish.  

Free fish? Are they serious?

Yup, you heard right. Those were the exact words.They didn't like the munn thing- they wanted more items on the menu. They wanted  to go back to where they got fish for free.

Didn't we all learn this story at least 30 times since we were born? In Miztraim they were slaves. They did back breaking work. They sweated their pores dry. They got beaten. Why on earth did they want to go back to that place, and why in heaven did they claim that they had fish for free there? They didn't even get straw for free, how could they have gotten free sushi?!

Rashi answers: CHINAM MIN HAMITZVOS, THEY WERE FREE FROM THE MITZVOS.
Wow. Do you get what this means?

Even though while residing in Egypt they worked themselves ragged, their lives were so bitter, they had no rights, they were beaten to a pulp, and they just lived in misery...they still preferred to go back to that living hell, rather than have to change their lifestyle. They chose slavery over freedom; over a life of following the Torah. They were too afraid of all the responsibilities that come along with this lifestyle.

 Why? How could they do something so stupid? Easily. Even though their lives in Mitzraim were miserable, they were still so accustomed to living that way, that they'd rather remain slaves, where it's 'comfortable', than have an better life, but have to make major changes to enjoy it.

This sounds strange. Are they all victims of self injury?

But the painful truth is that we all, in some way, make the same self destructive decisions sometimes.

I've been acquainted with kids who have developed anxiety at the thought of moving up to high school. Their fears advance at the start of college. Sometimes the anxiety is so powerful that it actually blocks them from applying or attending university, which obviously causes them to remain with a limited level of education.    

There are also those that are offered promotions in their carreers, but decline due to the fear of leaving their hometown and having to make new lifestyle adjustments. Therefore, they remain mediocre instead of advancing. They'd choose to stay at a lower position, and lower income,  rather than make any changes.

Unfortunately, there are people who choose to remain victims in abusive relationships, even with opportunities to leave, due to those same fears.

The munn that the Jews recieved in the midbar, came with strings attached. They can have it... but they have to start keeping the mitzvos now. The fish that they got in Mitzraim was FREE!!  No responsibilities. No obligations. No changes.

Although we might be tempted at times to stay where we are, whether in a physical, emotional, or spiritual sense, in order to avoid change and adjustment, running away from the 'fear of the unknown', we have to realize that such behavior will cause us to remain in whatever state we are (if not a lower one)... forever. We will go nowhere and become no one. 

Changing a behavior or a mindset creates a challenge. Challenge creates growth.  Achievement and greatness comes from accepting the responsibilities that a life of meaning is offering. 

Without enduring  change and growth, we are opting for a life of slavery.  Bad move.

"If you do things the same way you've always done them, you'll get the same outcomes you've always gotten".

Have a beautiful shabbos,

Yaffa