Pizza Or Donuts?

Believe it or not, some people really do seem to have perfect lives. 

I know families who have multiple BMW's and go on yearly cruises, they have beautiful, smart, healthy children, they have respectable careers, they give of themselves to the community, they're admired and held in high public esteem, have harmony in the home...I mean, can anything get better?

And yet, many of these blessed people seem to feel as if their lives are just chocolate glazed donuts. 

Their lives are full and rich and shiny and pleasurable.... but there's a hole in the middle. 

Something's missing. 

 There's a level of real happiness and contentment that's just not there.

 

The parsha this week speaks about reward and punishment in regard to the mitzvos.

 Im bechukotai teleichu...if you go in the way of my 'chukim'...then the Torah goes on to list a whole bunch of brachos that'll come your way. 

But, im bechukotai tima'asu...if you despise my 'chukim'...then the Torah presents a whole group of klalot- curses to send upon the person.

 

I have 2 questions on this:

1. Why does the possuk use the word teleichu, which means to 'walk' with the mitzvos instead of the word tishmoru, to 'keep' the mitzvos?

2. What exactly are the chukim?

 

So, Rashi answers the second question. 

He says shet'hiyu ameilim baTorah... put effort into learning Torah.

Ok. So instead of solving this problem, I think it just expanded. Rashi seems to be indicating that learning Torah is a chok.

What's a chok? It's a law in which the human mind can't visualize the cause, explanation, or justification for it.

   

So, how can learning Torah be a chok? 

It would appear to be a mishpat, since we do know why we learn it. We study Torah so that we can fulfill its laws and follow its commandments.

Like getting behind the wheel of a car, in order to maneuver it successfully and safely, one must first learn how to drive.

Unless you live in Mexico, then you just pay 50 bucks and you get yourself a license, plus a safe house to run to if you kill someone.

So, it can´t be a chok, because how are we supposed to keep the mitzvos without first learning what they are and how to keep them?

 

Here's the amazing chidush. The learning itself is not a chok. The studying of the Torah has an apparent reason. 

It's the ameilut, the toiling in Torah that we don't understand. 

The constant delving into deeper depths, the round the clock shuckeling, the never ending  thumb swaying... that's what we don't understand. 

How can an intelligent and ambitious man spend fifty or seventy years of his life sitting on a bench, that really should have been a swing, reading, learning, and shaking, and actually feel fulfilled?

It's because he understands the beauty of Torah, and he appreciates its worth. 

If someone entered your office five minutes before closing time and offered you $1,000,000 for staying five hours overtime, will you think twice about staying? Will you even think once?

If you need to contemplate that offer, I need to do a background check on your Jewish roots. 

Obviously you'll put in the extra time, since you understand and appreciate the value of the dollar.

So, the learning of the Torah is a mishpat, but all the extra toil is a chok since we can't humanly comprehend why someone will stay awake til the two am learning, only to awaken again at four to resume. 

If I switch the soul searching with sole searching, now that´s a concept I understand and appreciate. Yes, I will sleep two hour nights if that´s the requirement for acquiring my dream shoes.

But the self induced insomniac who spends the wee hours shuckling, does so because of his deep appreciation and love of Torah. 

That extra exertion creates within him the highest possible level of true, inner happiness.

 

Now the other issue we had. The walking thing. 

This is the act, other than breathing, that comes most naturally to a person. 

I don't have to think 'right, left, right, left...' as I walk, unless I´m at my graduation. 

I just walk. 

We all just walk. 

It is recommended to watch where you´re going, tho, or you might end up in places...or in things you don't want to be in .

To walk is literally, a way of life, since it's one's most natural action.

  The Torah is not supposed to be something we just keep or do or study. It is meant to become a way of life. 

Just like I walk without thinking since it's a part of me, I need to do the mitzvos like they're a part of me. They need to become a part of me. They need to become my natural insticts.

Returning to the perfect people we spoke about above whose donuts have holes, I have an idea for them.

Let's fill up the holes! 

Listen to the recipe:

There are some donuts that come completed, with, say jelly. Y´know which those are. The ones that make a snowstorm on your clothes, and you don´t quite know where to put your nose while you take a bite.

 So, there are 2 types of Jews in the world. There's a Jelly Donut Jew and a Pizza Pie Jew. 

Which group are you a member of?

When you have a pie of pizza with eight people waiting to dig in, you slice up the pie into eight, pull out each sizzling slice, and every person receives their own piece. 

Now, on the other side of the room we have a jelly donut with four people waiting to indulge. The donut gets cut into four, with each person receiving a quarter. But, in contrast to the individual slices of pizza, each piece of donut has bit of the jelly stuck to the corners.  

 Because the Jelly is the central point of the donut.

There are different ways of using our unique Jewish lives. 

One way is to act, dress, speak and think just like our non Jewish coworkers, although of course remembering to throw in some prayers and maybe even bentch, (while pretending to speak on the phone), where each slice of pizza is individual and disconnected.

Or, we can act, speak, dress, feel, think, and walk like a Jew no matter where we work, where we go, or what we do. 

Every word in our conversations will be refined, every activity will be one of dignity. Each action will have a little bit of the jelly at the tip. Every step we take will be guided by the Torah. 

 Judaism is not a religion. It's a way of life. We walk with it.

This does not contradict having fun.

This means having fun and getting pleasure out of life, while feeling fulfilled and content, instead of fun that leaves one feeling empty and perhaps, even guilty. 

This is what we need to fill our holes with in order to have true happiness and inner peace. A life of understanding and appreciating the value of Torah, bringing it into our lives, and making it part and parcel of who we are.

 

BRING ON THE JELLY!

 

I wrote this little poem that I frequently chant to myself. It´s easy to commit to memory, and has so many different ways of  being interpreted. Choose your own.

 

As you go thru life,

No matter your goal

Keep your eyes on the donut,

And not on the hole.

Have a great shabbos!

Identity vs. Integrity

The parsha this week speaks about the migadef, the boy who cursed G-d. What caused this child to have to express himself in such an extreme way, by cursing Hashem?
 
The boy was born to a Jewish mother and an Egyptian father. The process of determining which tribe a person belonged to was simple; each child became an automatic member of his fathers' tribe. The customs and tribal privileges of the father were passed down to the son. 
In the case of the megadef, his father was Egyptian and therefore he had no tribe.
 
He didn´t belong.
 
This child had a real identity crises. His mother was raising him to be a good Jewish little boy, sending him to Jewish day schools, lighting an electric menorah, eating matzah at the seder table (which they video taped to show the grandchildren)... but yet, he belonged to no tribe, and therefore belonged nowhere.
 
This can be extremely frustrating for a child. This case is way too common in the Western world today. Majority of intermarried couples think they're giving their child an extra privilege by allowing them the opportunity to pick their own religion, but in reality the child is confused, frustrated, and even angry at their parents for putting them in such a messed up situation. Sometimes, while choosing one religion over the other, they subconsciously even pick one parent over the other.
 
A 17 year old girl came to speak with me a little while ago. Her father is Jewish, her mother's not. She decided she wants to be Jewish, so she spoke to a few people, and believing her sincerity, they sent her to me to see if I can help her.
After questioning her a bit, and broaching various topics, I decided that this girl was not sincere and was not determined to be shomeret Torah Umitzvot.
 
So what was her motive? 
She had no identity! She felt awkward with her non Jewish friends, and she felt out of place with her Jewish friends. She wants to marry  Jewish because they ¨make the best husbands¨, but most Jewish boys will turn her down if she doesn't convert. I hope.

People need an identity. This juvenile curser, who actually went public and cursed God, did so out of the pain of being an outsider and not belonging.
 
Truthfully, we ALL need to belong in one way or another. It's healthy for us to have some sort of identity.
 
After one of my babies were born, I went for a couple of days to "bait hachlama", a convalescent home, to be pampered and spoiled until it was time to go home and face the reality waiting for me.
 
One day, as normal days go at the bait hachlama, all the women were sitting around together taking care of their newborns´ needs. I sat back observing the scene.
 
Every woman looked the same. They wore long, over-sized various colored robes, one or another type of snood perched on their heads, comfortable slippers on their feet, and makeup-less faces. Everyone was feeding babies and changing diapers round the clock.
 
My spectating stopped as the women began an interesting conversation. One busy mother started speaking about the exploding pile of sewing she has waiting for her upon her arrival home. Apparently, she´s a seamstress. Another woman commented that she has days worth of tests to mark; clearly she's a teacher.
 
The next one spoke about a children´s book she's writing, when another woman interrupted her, proudly describing the one-of-a-kind cakes she sells.  And on and on the conversation went...each woman feeling a great need  to prove to the others that she's more than she appeared to look at that moment. Each woman had an identity that she was proud of and she wanted the others to see her as that identity. 
 
I laughed to myself, finding the discussion quite humorous. 
The only thing I was anticipating doing when I got home, was curling up on the couch with a bag of potato chips and watching old TV reruns. I just had a baby! If not now, then when?
 
But in retrospect, I learned something important.
 
It's a normal, healthy need to want recognition for who you are. Because once you develop a  reputation for yourself, you always have to live up to that name. For the good, and for the better. Hence the importance of focusing on our positive aspects and creating a positive identity for ourselves.
 
HOWEVER.
 
To be dependent on a personal identity can lead us into the danger zone. Our window into another person´s world is usually by what they do. If you are a lawyer, that would become your identity in others´eyes.
The way we learn about other people, really, is through their speech and actions. If you want people to get to know you better, you need to allow them to get to know who you really are. The need to reveal your deeper self is not necessarily important, or good. In fact, having a secret place in your heart, an inner life that isn´t judged or exposed to other people, is a precious thing.
 
What happens if one day your identity is taken away from you? You can longer perform in the way you have been performing. Or, if you move somewhere where your identity is no longer recognized, or needed.
How can we go on with life without it?
 
There is an identity that is unique and specific to each individual person. The only way to develop that is by asking ourselves, ¨Who should I be at this moment in time in terms of Hashem´s Will for me? How can I bring light into the specific places that Hashem placed me in?¨
 
Yes, I need to develop my positive traits and use the talents I was given, but, I need to do them, not on my own terms, but on Hashem´s terms. And the only opinion of me that matters, is His.
 
If I´m dependent on my identity rather than on my integrity, I might be in for a very rude awakening when my identity dies before I do.
 
So, belonging somewhere is important, and creating a name for myself is important, but it´s not my goal. My goal is to do what I have to do and be who I have to be, even if no one knows about it but me and God.

"We were all born so different and unique; what a shame we spend our lives trying to be like everyone else"
 
Have a great shabbos!

How Old Are You Now?

Is it just me, or the older you get, the smarter your parents´ become?
 
Growing older is the goal in life, tho it´s hard to see that through all the wrinkles.
 
 I remember once, while browsing through Hallmark, there was a card that caught my attention. It said, ¨Happy Birthday, Grandpa. You are 80 years young!¨

At first it saddened me. Why are people so afraid of growing older? Why do we need to to comfort ourselves by using the word young instead of old? Is the alternative to getting older any better?
 
But then I learned something important from that card.
 
Being young is amazing!
 
No, I´m not referring to the partying, metabolism, or the freedom of youth.
 
Being young is a blessing because of the endless opportunities open before us. A  younger person still has that child-like quality of being innocent, excited, trusting and hopeful, and they usually haven't been corrupted or fallen into despair yet.
 
But most importantly, they know  there is still so much about life that they don´t know. Children are constantly asking questions, desperate to know more, to understand more.
In this week´s parsha, Kedoshim, we´re taught  that 'You should show respect for your elders and fear your G-d'.

The Gemorah writes that zaken, an elderly person stands for ze she-kana chochma; he who has acquired wisdom.

The wise man in his youth grasps things theoretically, but as he grows older, he sees that which was described to him become real and actual. The experience of life itself transforms intellectual theory and logic into reality and fact, which causes this knowledge to be ingrained within his being. Wisdom which was previously cold, impersonal, and abstract now becomes apparent. 
Our elders serve as a beacon of knowledge, who, through their life experiences, have been able to acquire Torah perception in its truest sense.

 No matter who he is, just by living life and experiencing so many challenges, and making so many mistakes, he automatically acquires a level of wisdom that no young person has, no matter how high the latter's IQ level.

Rav Yochanan, it's noted, was accustomed to rising before any elderly person, including non Jews, simply because of the wisdom they possessed.

It states in Pirkei Avos, perek 4 possuk 15 "The fear of your teacher shall be similar to your fear of heaven".
 
Chazal in various places have described in clear terms the severe punishments for those who do not show proper respect to their Torah teachers.
 
The rationale for this is that improper respect for teachers and elders weaken their leadership and diminish their overall influence on us. Lack of respect for elders means, in effect, the elimination of Torah leadership.
 
The Jewish people are different from other nations in that we cannot survive without the institution of "elders". Although other nations can exist without being led by sages or elders, it is Klal Yisroel's uniqueness that make our elders a necessity rather than a luxury.
 
Surpassing the power of the elders is tantamount to striking a fatal blow at the very core of the life force of the Jewish people. They are a link in the chain of Torah transmission from Har Sinai.
 
There's a well known story about Rav Yaakov Kaminetzky who was once traveling on an airplane with his grandson. Seated next to him was a secular Jewish observer, an evolutionist, who was watching in amazement how much unwavering respect the Rav's grandson kept honoring him with.
 
Finally he approached R' Yaakov and told him he has never seen anything like that before. He asked him why his grandson honored him so deeply and served him with so much respect.
 
 "It's simple", R' Yaakov responded. "In your belief, you are two generations closer than your grandson is to your ancestors, who were monkeys. You are greater than them, and your grandson is even greater than you. In our belief system, I am two generations closer to my ancestors who received the Torah. They were much holier that me. My grandson feels that awesomeness and therefore treats me with so much respect." 

Looking around at the world today, who are our role models? Whose pictures are teenagers hanging up on their bedroom walls? Definitely nobody over the age of 30. And nobody with too much wisdom, or too many morals.
 
Someone whose exterior is more significant to them than their interior panics at the thought of getting old. What's left to life after it's lived?
 
As Jews, we understand that life is even more lived as we age. Age symbolizes true wisdom.
 
The soul never ages; the body ages alone.
 
 Living life as a body can be highly depressing as the wrinkles appear and gravity does its job. But living life as it really is, as a soul, keeps us young forever, even as our wisdom advances.
 
As we get older, we must remain young. We need to keep asking, keep learning, keep growing, keep changing. We need to realize that although we have gained lots of wisdom, there is still so much more to learn.
 
As we get older we keep learning more about ourselves, and how we can better complete ourselves, enabling us to help those with less experience.
 
And, maybe we, the youthful, will look at our parents and grandparents through a different light and turn to them for advice in areas where they may be able to guide us.

 One day your life will flash before your eyes. Make sure it’s worth watching.

Have a great shabbos!

Change is Scary!

The possuk tells us in this week's parsha, Tazria:

 'Isha ki tazria v'yalda zochor',  A woman conceives and gives birth to a male.

There's a midrash that connects this possuk to one in tehillim, (kuf lamed tes- hei) which says: 'Achor vakodem yitzartani', Back and front you fashioned me.

Reish Lakish teaches us such a powerful lesson about this.

He says 'Achor vakodem' is referring to the first day of creation.

Man is told that if he keeps Torah and mitzvos, " you came before the entire work of creation".  But, if he doesn't, then "even an earthworm preceded you".

Man was created chronologically last, but he's unanimously considered first in importance. That is, if he earned his honor. If not, the chronological order has greater significance.

Now, this is all really deep and beautiful stuff, but it's tickling the logical side of me. Does it make any sense that a lowly little earthworm who does nothing but crawl on his slimy tummy and eat fertilized mud all day, can ever have greater significance than a human being? Even one who is alienated from Torah?!?

Our question has an answer, thanx to R' Baruch Mordechai Ezrachi shli"ta.

Every creation has a purpose. The more significant the creation, the more demanding its purpose.

Man is the crown of creation. The epitome of the universe. A human being has a goal in life which is based on his abilities and opportunities. An earthworm has one advantage over a human.

 It automatically succeeds in attaining its purpose in this world, while man can easily fall short of his potential.

That's because the mission of an earthworm is simply to crawl around on its slimy tummy and eat fertilized mud all day. Period. So unless he has a physical handicap and is born horizontally challenged, (very rare condition), he naturally reaches his goal in life, just by living.

But, since a human being, and especially a Jew, has such a tremendously high potential, if he doesn't keep working on himself, and keep challenging himself to grow more and to become a more wholesome person and a better Jew, there's no way he'll be able to reach the level that he's capable of reaching.

So, what happens next?

The lowly little earthworm attained his goal, while the high and mighty man, did not.

What a sad ending.

So, how do we reach that potential? 

We need to know who we are, and what we can achieve.

Introspection, leading to personal adjustments. 

Prior to making personal adjustments, taking internal inventory is required, deeming it necessary to take a deep, introspective tour of our interior. We may discover things in there that we never knew existed. For the good, and for the better.

We also might come across negative aspects of ourselves that we are unaware of, or aware of, yet choose to ignore... and here we are facing them head on. It's scary and difficult.

And we don't like it.

We do like learning, tho. We like going to classes on the topics of happiness, love, enthusiasm, and many other 'harmless' concepts. But learning about deep spiritual growth is a bit scary to us, because it means we have to work. Hard.

It creates the realization that we need to make some changes in our lives. And we don't like to change.

 There was a study done in the United States a few years ago, where people were asked to confess their biggest fears. When I saw the results I almost burned my intestines on the coffee I was sipping. The study proved that a large majority of adults are more afraid to move to a different city than they are of dying.  

 Didja hear me?

 More people are afraid of moving, than they are of dying?!

Moving to a different home, a new neighborhood or new city and meeting new neighbors, perhaps the need for a new job or school… and all sorts of change, apparently causes more anxiety in Americans than actual death.

Death is predictable. It’s expected.

 Its inevitability creates a certain comfort and optimism in us. Yes, people fear death because of the how and when factors, but the actuality of its reality diminishes anxiety. Additionally, once death occurs, there are no adjustments to make, and no changes to get used to. It’s over.

The effects of fear of change, however, can be anxiety provoking and even debilitating.

If change is so scary when it just involves physical movement, like moving to a new home, imagine how much more frightening it is to make a lifestyle change, or a character change.

 "What if I don't like what I find? I just paid $175 an hour to find out who I am, and now I needa replace it for a new and improved version?"

"Does this require any thinking? Cuz that would be heading into unfamiliar territory."

Those are some of the many panicky thoughts bombarding our minds at the thought of introspection, and being that in most cases fear of change stops us from taking action by paralyzing us with its anxiety, these thoughts usually end up interfering immensely with our growth process.

Fear of change is nothing new. It has nothing to do with modern psychology.

When the Jews left Egypt and started their journey through the desert, the had food raining down on them from the sky, no need to cook, no need to shop, no one has to work for a living, no looking for parking, no gaining weight,  it was literally heaven on earth! I mean, after 210 years of slavery, this was the life! This defines freedom!

But yet, were they full of gratitude? Were they overwhelmed with love for their Savior?

I think not.

Rashi  describes the kvetches and complaints of the Jewish people in the desert. They cried out to Moshe that they want to go back to Mitzraim! They want to turn around, and head straight back to Egypt... where they had 'free fish'.

Yup, you heard right. They didn't like the mann thing- they wanted more options on the menu. They wanted to go back to where they got 'fish for free'.

Didn't we all learn this story at least 30 times since we were born? In Miztraim they were slaves. They did back breaking work. They sweated their pores dry. Why on planet earth did they want to go back to such a place, and why in heavens name did they claim that they had fish for free there? They didn't even get straw for free, how could they have gotten free sushi?

Rashi explains: Chinam min hamitzvot, they were free from doing mitzvos.

Whoa.

Even though, while residing in Egypt they worked themselves ragged, and their lives were so bitter, and they had no rights, they were beaten to a pulp, and they just lived in misery...they still preferred to go back to that living hell, rather than have to change their lifestyle. They chose slavery over freedom; over a life of following the Torah. They were too afraid of all the responsibilities that come along with this lifestyle.

 Why? How could they be so stupid?

Easily. Even though their lives in Mitzraim were miserable, they were still so accustomed to living that way, that they'd rather remain slaves, where it's 'comfortable', than have an better life, but have to make major changes to enjoy it.

This sounds very strange to us, that they are all victims of self injury. But the painful truth is that we all, in some way, make the same self destructive decisions sometimes.

I've been acquainted with kids who have developed anxiety at the thought of moving up to high school. Their fears advance at the start of college. Sometimes the anxiety is so powerful that it actually blocks them from applying or attending university, which obviously causes them to remain with a limited level of education.    

  

There are also those that are offered promotions in their careers, but decline due to the fear of leaving their hometown and having to make new lifestyle adjustments. Therefore, they remain mediocre instead of advancing. They'd choose to stay at a lower position, and lower income,  rather than make any changes.

Unfortunately, there are people who choose to remain victims in abusive relationships, even while given opportunities to leave, due to those same fears.

The mann that the Jews received in the midbar, came with strings attached. They can have it... but they have to start keeping the mitzvos now. The fish that they got in Mitzraim was FREE!!  No responsibilities. No obligations. No changes.

Although we might be tempted at times to stay where we are, whether in a physical, emotional, or spiritual sense, in order to avoid change and adjustment, running away from the 'fear of the unknown', we have to realize that such behavior will cause us to remain in whatever state we are (if not a lower one)... forever. We will go nowhere and become no one. 

Changing a behavior or a mindset creates a challenge. Challenge creates growth.  Achievement and greatness comes from accepting the responsibilities that a life of meaning is offering. 

Without enduring change and growth, we are opting for a life of slavery. 

Why are we so afraid to change?

3 basic reasons:

1. Afraid of the unknown

2. Driven by well-honed habits

3. The pain of loss

The height of our potential is the ultimate, so spiritual growth is an endless path. There might be some stones along the way, but you can either trip on them and break your femur bone, or you can use them as stepping stones to bring you to the next level of your journey.

'Asher barah Elokim laasos', G-d created this world to do.

To move. To change. To improve.

 So, humans are, indeed, creatures of habit.

However, we are not  powerless, and we do have a choice.

Recognizing that we were created just to change and grow, and the whole world itself was built just to change it and improve it, can help us diminish our fear and anxiety of change. Change is the entire reason for existence. We each have the power & the choice to break free from our habits, our patterns, the chains we may be born into carrying, the ideas and expectations that others have of us, and the fate of mediocrity that each of us could comfortably settle for.

And about being compared to worm... you wouldn’t want to soil your reputation by being known as a spineless coward, now would you?

Have a beautiful shabbos!

Silence Is Louder Than it Sounds

When Aharon's two sons died, the Torah reports his reaction: "And Aharon was silent". How is it possible that Aharon remained silent as his whole world came crashing down? What was going through his mind?
 
It´s written in Ohr HaMussar that Aharon was greatly praised for remaining silent -- for not complaining against the Almighty and for accepting the will of the Almighty. Why? Before something happens one might be able to take action to prevent it. However, afterwards, what can one do? He can fight it or he can accept it as the will of the Almighty. Was his acceptance of the Almighty's will exceptional or unique?
 
Aharon lived by a very basic, fundamental philosophy, which is the essence of Jusaism.
Every single thing that happens in life, happens because God so desires. Whether it comes as a direct message from heaven, or it requires the service of human messengers, there isn´t a moment of joy or pain that one experiences without it being willed from Above.
 
Have any of you ever been insulted? Felt verbally or emotionally attacked? Been made to feel inadequate or unworthy by someone?
 
I´ve experienced all of the above. These unpleasant encounters have made me realize that although sticks and stones can break your bones, words can send you to a lifetime of therapy.
 
The natural reaction, as a victim to any of these attacks, is to fight back. To defend myself. To prove them wrong.
 
But, constantly defending, explaining or justifying myself would leave me without many friends, very quickly.  Do you enjoy being around an apologetic, defensive person?
 
This person becomes tiresome not because of a string of complaints, but because of the somewhat toxic nature of self-defense.
 
Someone who engages in constant justification and explanation seems to be sliding down a spiraling path of negativity and insecurity, often sounding guilty-as-charged. I know that when I find myself in justification mode, there's often some part of me that feels insecure about the area, perhaps even wondering-fearing-believing that it must be true.
 
I have learned that when I feel the need to defend myself, somewhere deep inside me there´s a little, annoying voice  offering its unwelcome opinion that they must be right and I must be wrong. The defending, explaining and justifying never seems to change anything and, instead, tends to anchor me more deeply in the issue that needs to be addressed.
 

A while ago, I read an insightful article that taught me one of the most important lessons of my life.
Here´s the gist of the story: after a wonderful lecture on the value of seeking to understand and be understood, the lecturer took questions from the audience. One gentleman took the microphone and proceeded to tell him that he was full of beans, didn't know what he was talking about, and had no basis for his point of view. The speaker considered the comment, and replied, "Thank you."

After a couple of more rounds of this kind of exchange-attack, wherein the gentleman kept going after him, trying to provoke a reaction, the lecturer taught me a great lesson in self-awareness by saying something like this:

    ¨Did you not notice that each time you spoke, I paused to consider what you had to say? I looked inside myself to see if some part of me was reacting to what you had said about me, particularly if any parts of me were upset, prone to counterattack, or otherwise affected. I have found that when I am in that kind of reaction, there is typically something there for me to learn about myself, something for which I need to improve. In this instance, I found no reaction. Thus, you were simply sharing your opinion to which you are fully entitled and with which I have no argument. Therefore, "Thank you" seemed most appropriate.¨

Indeed, this wise man demonstrated considerable self-awareness and personal integrity throughout his life, and this little exchange has been a guiding light for me. Learning to see the reaction inside myself as feedback about me, pointing out areas of growth, not something to be defended, has been both expansive and liberating for me.

Aharon´s specific situation was one in which his pain was directly from heaven, with no qualms about it. But what about those moments when we´re hurt by people? When other humans cause us pain by insulting or attacking us?
Those are the moments to stop, contemplate the situation, and recognize that this, too, is from heaven. God wants me to feel this pain or embarrassment. Yes, the abuser has free will and he will be judged for that. But there are two people involved here...and my concern shouldn´t be him; it should be me.
Why did he do that to me? Why did he say that to me?
Because God willed it. God decided I needed that to enhance my personal growth.
Being angry at him, defending myself, responding to the attack in any way, will not help my growth at all, it only helps me dig myself a deeper hole of negativity and self doubt.

Aharon´s lesson to me is that it´s much healthier to remain silent in moments like these. I know that I have often regretted my speech, but never my silence.
Silence is also speech; it´s of victory and confidence. I have learned that the best time to hold my tongue is when I feel I must say something or bust! Because there is nothing more empowering than self control and discipline.

This was the greatness of Aharon. He remained silent because he knew clearly that everything the Almighty does is purposeful. He knew that everything the Almighty does is good. When things consistently go well for a person, he feels an inner-joy. Acceptance of the Almighty's will, regardless of the way the message was sent, is the most crucial attitude to make part of oneself for living a happy life. The more we learn to accept the will of the Almighty, the greater joy we will experience in our lives.

Remember that silence is much louder than it sounds.

Have a beautiful shabbos.

The Message of Pesach

With sincere apologies to Parshas Tzav, this week we'll be discussing the upcoming yom tov of Pesach.

This is not gonna be one of those ¨Pesach is about cleaning the chametz, not cleaning the chandelier¨ posts. 

But, it is true that when simply hearing the word Pesach, many of us transform into some kind of unrecognizable form of ourselves. Even if that word is mentioned in July.

Panic, anxiety, and hyperventilation creep up on us, and though we try to bury the negative feelings, sometimes a tad of loathing comes to join the emotional party.

 

Is this really what Pesach is supposed to be like? Somehow I don't think G-d had intended that this holy and delightful holiday become a turn-off to all family members living with a harried pre Pesach woman.  

We are commanded to get rid of the chametz. Period. No need to remove the curtains, paint the house, or go through picture albums from the 80´s. You´re not missing much anyway in those albums, it´s just a bunch of hairspray and leg warmers.

 When was the last time you ate your peanut butter sandwich while hanging from the chandelier? Probably when you were a monkey.

So, I´m going to take just a few minutes to focus on what Pesach is and to stay away from what it's not.

Pesach, in a nutshell.
Hehe.

The Jews were set free from 210 years of bitter slavery. The possuk writes that they left Egypt bechipazon, in a rush, and if they would not have left at the exact moment that they did, they would not have been worthy of leaving at all!
At this point, the Jews as a nation, were on the 49th level of impurity. Had they stayed in that morally depraved country for another minute they would´ve fallen down to the 50th level, the lowest possible one, disabling their redemption permanently.

Ok. I have a problem with this. Do you mean to tell me that it took 210 years for them to fall down to the 49th level, and in 4 1/2 more seconds of being around the corruption, they´d fall down a whole nother level?

Rabbi Akiva Tatz says, it wasn´t the Egyptian influence that would have caused their descent. The offense would have been an internal one. It would have been the waiting, itself.

Laziness. Procrastination. 

Had they decided to first finish the game they were playing, or finish a conversation with someone, take a nap before the trip, or even finish the bread they were baking, they would have been guilty of procrastination.
That would have been a transgression so great that it would have rendered them...and us...slaves, forever and ever.
That´s a frightening thought.  
My name would probably be Yafhadenijad.  I wouldn´t even know how to spell that.

Bechipazon. THAT was the second to act, and not a moment later.

I once missed out on an opportunity to redt a shidduch between two people, because I moved too slowly. I was very young and felt intimidated to call. I had this excuse, and that one. On the day that  I finally decided to do it, I heard the news: They had gotten engaged! To each other! 
And I had lost that irreplaceable mitzvah. 
 

 I have another question. 

We all understand the reason we have to eat matzoh on Pesach, but why do we have to get rid of all the chametz? On sukkos we move into the  sukkah, but we don't have to destroy our homes while eating in it!

So why isn't it enough to just eat matzoh- why are we commanded to get rid of all the chametz as well? 

I have another question.  
Why do we start counting the omer on the second night of Pesach and not on the first?

Ok, I´m gonna be very Jewish for a minute, and answer my questions with another question.

What's the difference between chametz and matzah?

Look at their spelling. They both have a mem,and tzadi. But their third letters are different. One has a ches, and the other, a hei. The difference between a ches and a hei, is just a teeny tiny line. But that minuscule line is the entire difference between the two.

Now, check out their ingredients. Flour, and water. They're both made out of the same exact things.

Being that both of these items are so similar, it arouses my curiosity that eating one of them on Pesach is such a great mitzvah, and eating the other is such a great aveirah.

So, what exactly is the halachik difference between the two? 

1- Time factor. For the matzah to be kosher, it has to be completely finished within 18 minutes. Otherwise, it's  chametz.  
It needs to be made immediately. 
No procrastinating. No being lazy.

2- Constant work. As long as the dough is being kneaded consistently, it's good to go. When you stop kneading it and leave it to sit around, it starts to rise a bit, causing it to become chametz. 
No procrastinating. No being lazy.

Everything in the physical world is mirrored in the spiritual world. Cleaning for physical crumbs in all the cracks and crevices of the home is meant to reflect cleaning the hidden corners within ourselves to get rid of spiritual crumbs.
  
 Matzah is simple and humble. The only way for it to lose that status is through lack of movement and work. 

We, too are born simple and humble. But if we let ourselves sit around, we stop working on ourselves, and we become chametz. Because when we sit, when we´re spiritually lazy, we start rising. Our ego's naturally get pumped with helium. We become arrogant.

Throughout the year we are obligated to remember our stay in egypt and our negative experience there, but we can be surrounded by chametz while doing so.

On Pesach, we have to concentrate so intensely on what happened in Egypt, that we can't be distracted by the chamtez. Nothing can get in the way of our focus on The message of Pesach. 

The message of Pesach is so important that we cannot even focus on the highlight of history, the essence of who we are, the day of matan Torah!  

That´s why we count the omer starting on the second day of Pesach instead of the first, so that our focus on the seder night can be purely on the message of the chag.

The message of Pesach is TIME MANAGEMENT. 
Physically, as well as spiritually, we gotta move immediately and consistently.

Remember the famous story of Rabbi Akiva? He eventually became the greatest Torah teacher of all time. But in order to achieve that status, his selfless and devoted wife, Rochelle, encouraged him to travel to a top yeshiva where he can study away from home and uninterrupted for 12 years. 
As arranged, he returned home after being away that long, and as he approached his house, he heard his wife having a conversation inside with a neighbor. The neighbor, clearly impressed with her sacrifice and determination, asked her how she would react if her husband walked through the door and announced that he wants to return the yeshiva for another 12 years.
Her response? GO!

Rabbi Akiva heard her response, and without missing a beat, turned 360 degrees, and his destination became one with his original departure.  He stayed at the yeshiva for another 12 years, becoming the preeminent Torah teacher that he was, and molding 24,000 students into true talmidei chachamim and future Torah teachers.

There´s one little detail that always bothered me about that very inspiring story. He didn´t see his wife for 12 flippin years! Couldn´t he just go in and say hello? Couldn´t he have a cup of coffee with her before departing again? 

After learning about bechipazon, I have my answer. 
No. He couldn´t. 
Had he gone in to see his wife, he may never have left again.
Rabbi Akiva knew that he needed to make a split second decision. It´s now or never.  

THAT was the second to act, and not a moment later. 

One more question, just to fill up your seder with lots of ´em. What does chametz have to do with the avoda of pesach? Why doesn't chametz interfere with Rosh Hashana, or Shabbos?

  
 The only time we have an obligation from the Torah to educate our children, is at the Pesach seder. As a matter of fact, that is the entire point of Pesach. V'heegadita l´bincha... Transmission to children.  

At the seder, we do everything just for the kids to ask and learn. But, a person cannot transmit when he has gaava, arrogance. 

 Because an arrogant person doesn't listen to anyone, and therefore doesn´t learn from anyone. And he can't connect with those that he's teaching. A person can only teach something to others when he has humility.

And, this is why, right after we learn the message of Pesach from Rabbi Akiva, each of his 24,000 students fell sick and left this world. 
Because, since they didn't have enough humility and couldn´t respect each other properly, they were unable to transmit the Torah. They had to be disqualified.

Time management. 
The time is now.

It seems like a message so simple and insigficant for a holiday as grand as Pesach. 

Simple? Indeed it is. It´s that little miniscule line causing the hei to become a ches.  
It´s that little mitzvah that I lost forever.
It´s that little split second decision of doing something now...or perhaps never.

Chametz or matzah. Arrogance or humility. Life or death.

Insignificant? Indeed it is...if you´d rather still be wearing a burqa.
 

Btw, I used blue ink this week because I'm in middle of cleaning out my black ink cartridge for Pesach.

Have a great shabbos and a chag kasher v'sameach.