Paving My Road With Diamonds

They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. Since I´m not planning on retiring there, I´m quite disinterested in its architecture. How come no one ever tells us what the road to heaven is paved with? That is what I wanna know.
And that is what we will find out in the parsha this week.

Parshas Tetzaveh dedicates most of its pages to fashion and design.

Well, kinda. The specific styles it speaks about are vintage clothing, retro design, and ancient architecture.

Moshe was commanded to make garments for the Kohanim. Included in these was the ephod, a piece of clothing similar to an apron, with two straps on top holding the avnei shoham, precious stones, encased in gold. Hashem told Moshe to engrave the names of all the twelve shevatim onto the stones as a remembrance of them, so that every time the Kohain Gadol did the avodah, Hashem would remember the righteousness of the tribes.

So, here´s my question:
Seriously? The shevatim? Those shevatim have caused so much drama and commotion in the past, and, granted they have made the parsha stories captivating and suspenseful, but aren´t we supposed to leave them in the past and get on with our uncomplicated lives?  
The avodah of the Kohain Gadol is vital and highly sensitive; the world's very existence depends upon it. As a result, there are many items that are avoided in the avodah so as not to bring up even the faintest memories of sin. While there is no question that the shevatim were men of extraordinary greatness, that greatness was also tainted by their sins. 

Whether it was Reuven being impulsive and making poor decisions, or Shimon and Levi's aggression and deceit, or the collaborative conspiracy of selling their brother, they seemed to have been far from perfect. And even though they had a rationale for what they did, they still plotted and carried out an attempt to kill Yosef, one of the greatest tzadikim in the history of mankind. Didn't that sin permanently affect who they were?
Shouldn't that be reason enough not to have their names engraved on the holiest and most critical chest in the world? 

The issue is based on a matter of perspective. A diamond is an object of beauty, yet even a minor imperfection can greatly devalue it. A small flaw can transform a priceless gem into an almost worthless stone. However, not every flaw destroys a diamond's value.

Imagine I would place two diamonds in front of you. One is a beautifully cut jewel with a minor flaw, and the other the same as the first, but flawless. A perfect diamond. 
Looking at them both, wouldn't it be safe for you to assume that the flawless diamond is more valuable than the other one?

Now, if we bring in a diamond expert to appraise the two diamonds, we would be surprised to hear that there is actually a huge difference between them; but that the diamond with the minor flaw is worth a fortune while the perfect one is almost valueless- because it's a fake.

One of the signs that a diamond is real, is that it has a flaw. While it may be a very minor imperfection and almost unnoticeable, all genuine diamonds have flaws. 
The only perfect diamonds we can find are made of cubic zirconium, and are therefore costume jewelry and fake. 

Same thing with the human. Man was not created to be perfect. Perfection rests in the realm of malachim. An angel never sins, and therefore an angel is perfect. But malachim, in all their perfection, cannot determine their destiny. They have one job to do with no option of not doing it. Therefore, they have no free will, no challenges, and no growth.   
Only man was given the opportunity to determine his destiny either by becoming the greatest of all or by sinking to the lowest of all.

How do I create who I would be for eternity? 
With the gift of free will. Now, free will doesn't mean the theoretical ability to choose; it means being put into situations where two choices are viable and both options are real. 
I need to be challenged. To allow for that, I need to be tempted to choose either good or bad and be given the ability to make mistakes. 

The idea of living without mistakes or without sin is not very probable and is not an ideal to strive for.

Actually, looking back in history, there have been four human beings who have never sinned. (I almost made the list, but messed it up just last week. And it wasn't even my fault.)

Who were these four perfect humans I speak of? 

Amram, Moshe Rabeinu's father
Yishai, Dovid Hamelech's father
Binyamin, Yosef Hatzadik's brother
Kilav, Shlomo Hamelech's brother

Now tell me, who became greater leaders and people in their lifetimes, the non-sinners or their relatives?
Amram or Moshe?
Yishai or Dovid?
Binyamin or Yosef?
Kilav or Shlomo?

The people who have reached the highest ranks of greatness were not the ones who were perfect. We can only reach greatness through mistakes, through challenges, and through embracing our flaws. 
At the end of his days, man is not measured by how much he has sinned. He is measured by how great he has become.
So, the shevatim were men of unimaginable greatness, but they also had flaws which caused them to sin. They were huge, beautiful, real diamonds- with flaws.

When viewing a diamond, you can't see the flaw unless you look through a jewelers loop that magnifies the stone by a power of ten times or more. It can only be perceived through direct scrutiny, and not by the naked eye. All the eye can see is its beauty.

While the blemishes will always be there, so will the shining brilliance of the jewel. One does not cancel out the other; its flaw isn't eliminated, nor is its brilliance eradicated. Both will always be there, because both have to be there.
I am a beautiful diamond with a flaw. And so are you.

And now I know all about the road to heaven. It is paved with error, sins, teshuva, and the next level of error.
Who knew it was that easy?

Have a beautiful shabbos, 
Yaffa

Fear Of Change

There was a study done in the United States a few years ago. The results were astonishing.

Since I don't remember the percentage in numbers, I won't make believe I know them. But what I do recall very clearly is this: A large majority of adults are more afraid to move  to a different city, and start a new job, meet new neighbors, make new friends,..... than they are of dying.  

Were the statistics similar in Egypt, 3300 years ago?

The possuk writes VACHAMUSHIM ALU B'NEI YISROEL M'ERETZ MITZRAIM.

 Rashi explains that  Vachamushim means that only one fifth of the Jewish people left Mitzraim. What happened to the other four fifths?  Four fifths of the Jewish people did not leave Mitzraim, since they got killed during the makah of choshech- darkness. Why were they killed? Because they didn't want to leave Mitzraim. They were happy and comfortable where they were. They were used to their lives, and just didn't want to leave. 

How dare I accuse them of such an attitude? 

 

Rashi, in Parshat Bahalotcha writes that after the redemption, on their way to receive the Torah, they had the easiest, most relaxing lives one can ever imagine. They strolled through the desert, received food from the sky, no need to shop, no need to cook, no need to work for a living, no looking for parking, no gaining weight (!!!)... . I mean, after 210 years of slavery, man, this was the life! This defines freedom!

But yet, what happened? Were they full of gratitude? Were they overwhelmed with love for their Savior? It doesnt seem so. In Parshat Bahalotcha Rashi  describes the kvetches and complaints of the Jewish people in the desert. They cried out to Moshe that they want to go back to Egypt! 

They said they wanted to turn around and head straight back to Egypt... where they had free fish.  

Free fish? Are they serious?

Yup, you heard right. Those were the exact words.They didn't like the munn thing- they wanted more items on the menu. They wanted  to go back to where they got fish for free.

Didn't we all learn this story at least 30 times since we were born? In Miztraim they were slaves. They did back breaking work. They sweated their pores dry. They got beaten. Why on earth did they want to go back to that place, and why in heaven did they claim that they had fish for free there? They didn't even get straw for free, how could they have gotten free sushi?!

Rashi answers: CHINAM MIN HAMITZVOS, THEY WERE FREE FROM THE MITZVOS.
Wow. Do you get what this means?

Even though while residing in Egypt they worked themselves ragged, their lives were so bitter, they had no rights, they were beaten to a pulp, and they just lived in misery...they still preferred to go back to that living hell, rather than have to change their lifestyle. They chose slavery over freedom; over a life of following the Torah. They were too afraid of all the responsibilities that come along with this lifestyle.

 Why? How could they do something so stupid? Easily. Even though their lives in Mitzraim were miserable, they were still so accustomed to living that way, that they'd rather remain slaves, where it's 'comfortable', than have an better life, but have to make major changes to enjoy it.

This sounds strange. Are they all victims of self injury?

But the painful truth is that we all, in some way, make the same self destructive decisions sometimes.

I've been acquainted with kids who have developed anxiety at the thought of moving up to high school. Their fears advance at the start of college. Sometimes the anxiety is so powerful that it actually blocks them from applying or attending university, which obviously causes them to remain with a limited level of education.    

There are also those that are offered promotions in their carreers, but decline due to the fear of leaving their hometown and having to make new lifestyle adjustments. Therefore, they remain mediocre instead of advancing. They'd choose to stay at a lower position, and lower income,  rather than make any changes.

Unfortunately, there are people who choose to remain victims in abusive relationships, even with opportunities to leave, due to those same fears.

The munn that the Jews recieved in the midbar, came with strings attached. They can have it... but they have to start keeping the mitzvos now. The fish that they got in Mitzraim was FREE!!  No responsibilities. No obligations. No changes.

Although we might be tempted at times to stay where we are, whether in a physical, emotional, or spiritual sense, in order to avoid change and adjustment, running away from the 'fear of the unknown', we have to realize that such behavior will cause us to remain in whatever state we are (if not a lower one)... forever. We will go nowhere and become no one. 

Changing a behavior or a mindset creates a challenge. Challenge creates growth.  Achievement and greatness comes from accepting the responsibilities that a life of meaning is offering. 

Without enduring  change and growth, we are opting for a life of slavery.  Bad move.

"If you do things the same way you've always done them, you'll get the same outcomes you've always gotten".

Have a beautiful shabbos,

Yaffa

One Day I'll Stop Procrastinating

You know those people who always arrive at their appointments exactly on time?
You invite them for dinner at 7:00, and the clock strikes seven simultaneously with the doorbell. 

They show up at weddings before the chosson and  kallah. 

They complete all their tasks ahead of the deadline.

Know the type?

When I become the type, you will have your parsha post ready each week before shabbos starts. 

The concept of TIME is a significant one. 

Time can be used positively, as well as negatively.

Using time negatively means being lazy. Being lazy is a debilitating disease. It prevents a person from reaching a goal. Be it a household chore, a project at work, a spiritual activity, or just about anything that requires some movement.

Using time positively allows productivity and accomplishment to be your primary goal.

The exact second that the Jews left Egypt was an extremely significant second.  The word b'chipazon means that they left in a rush, at that instant. Had the Jews stayed even one second longer, they would not have been worthy of leaving. 

That means, had we remained there for one more instant after being set free, instead of scurrying out immediately, we would still be living there, wearing burkas and eating lachmajin. I probably would spell my name, Yaphah.

  

At this time, they were on the forty ninth level of impurity, out of fifty. I'm no mathematician and even I can count that low. Had they waited even one more second before walking out the gates of Egypt, they would've hit rock bottom. They would've reached the fiftieth level of impurity. 

Here's my question. 

What was so dangerous about remaining another minute in Egypt?  Can one extra minute of living with the Egyptians  influence them negatively? They had been living side by side for over 200 years, what new trends could they possibly teach them a second before they leave?

And besides, wasn't this the moment of redemption? A moment of purity? Of revelation? It was such a holy moment. 

How could they possibly have fallen down into a level of impurity in just one split second during the holiest occasion ever?

See, the danger was time, itself.  Being lazy. Not acting immediately. 

That's the impurity. Laziness. Procrastination. 

When given their exit visas, had they remained at home to finish a game of candy crush before leaving, had they stopped to take a salvation selfie, or run back home to change into their favorite outfit.... that would've been the danger. That is the impurity.

When we're given an opportunity to do something, the moment to do it is right then. If we wait even one moment, we can miss it.

A few years ago, I thought of the most perfect shiduch. I actually didn't  know either one of them too well, but whatever I did know seemed perfect. So, what does the president of the Procrastinators Club do? She doesn't pick up the phone and suggest it. I had every excuse in the world to wait a little while. They were both in camp... I didn't know how to reach them...maybe they'd prefer to wait til after the summer...maybe this, maybe that.

 Short story shorter, a day after camp was over, I heard the wonderful news that they had gotten engaged..... to each other! Someone else had gotten my mitzvah. (And my shadchanus money ).  Because the moment I thought of it, was the moment I should've acted.

Y'know, I was always a little bothered by the famous story of Rabbi Akiva, where he traveled away from home for 12 years learning Torah, and upon returning home, before even entering his home, he overheard his loving wife, Rachel, speaking to a neighbor inside. "I'm so proud of my husband's accomplishments in Torah, I wouldn't mind if he goes back for another 12 years!"

At the echo of those words, he made an about face, got into his carriage, and traveled away for an additional 12 years.  

Couldn't he just go in and say, "Hello, wife?"

Not even, "what's for dinner". Just H-E-L-L-O. And then he can turn around and go to resume his studies. 

Only now, after studying the concept of  b'chipazon, do I understand why he couldn't go in. Because that was the moment to act. That was the second to go back. It was now or never. If he would have gone in and seen his wife for even for a second, he may have changed his mind. 

B'chipazon. They left in a rush.. They had to hurry out of there, because stalling and procrastinating would have brought them down to a lower spiritual level. 

This can possibly be the reason why they were commanded, at this moment, to eat matzah on Pesach. 

The two significant aspects that make up matzah are: a time factor, and constant work.  Consistently kneading the dough, for exactly 18 minutes, qualifies the matzah kosher. Stopping to knead it, symbolizing laziness, or allowing it to sit even one minute more than 18... and it's become chametz. 

Time is so important, that 100th of a second is worth ten million dollars. Yup, you heard right.

Ever watch the Olympics? The winner crosses the finish line at 3:27:53 seconds. So, at the following Olympics, when the next contestant is trying to beat him, and he's coming in at three seconds... everyone's turning blue in anticipation...and he wins by 3:27:52 seconds! The crowd bursts into cheer. We have a new winner, who won by 100th of a second. 

What happens the morning after? The new winner gets a phone call. It's Nike. They want him to model their new sneakers. That's two million dollars. 

Next, Coca Cola calls him. They want his to be drinking their stuff on TV. That's another two million. 

And the phone rings and rings. One hundredth of a second is worth ten million dollars.

I think Ill get off the computer now and go beat last week's record in shabbos cooking. Procrastination? Aint nobody got time for that!

Have a beautiful shabbos,

Yaffa

Paroah: Pro choice Activist.

We live in a crazy world, with up-side-down priorities and almost non-existent values. Not that you need proof of the chaos in the world, but by glancing at the Sports and Entertainment news over the past few years, we have seen:

Golf Superstar ... black guy.

Basketball champion... Chinese man.

#1 rapper... white dude.

A bit topsy-turvy, ya think?

 Oh, and then there's the twerking. And the twerker.

  

But our messed up galaxy isn't such a novelty. The fact that it was messed up 3,300 years ago is what's shocking. 

Peaking into the corruption of that period can help us understand its source and solution.

If you pay close attention to the psukim, and if you're not yet immune to strange events, you'll appreciate an interesting discussion between Paraoh and the midwives.

Within those verses, there are a few points which perplexed my brain while reading them.

1. Instead of Paraoh commanding his army to go out and kill all newborn baby boys, as would be the normal course of action, he arises all by his royal self, and approaches Yocheved and Miriam (the midwives) to have them commit to his inhumane demands.

2. Paraoh wastes all his bad breath by teaching unique indications to the midwives, explaining in detail how to differentiate between the boys and the girls. Rashi spells out for us what those signs were: If the baby's head is facing downward, it's a boy, and face up means a girl.

Now, wouldn't anyone with an IQ of 70 be deemed capable of distinguishing between the genders, without helpful tips from His Royal Highness?

3. Yocheved and Miriam's response is a bit weird. They claimed that the situation is out of their control, since the Jewish women are birthing alone, without their assistance. By the time they arrive on the scene, the babies are out.  

What kind of reply is that? You don't have to deliver him. As soon as the baby is out, if it's a boy, kill the kid.

4. Throughout the whole dialog, the main character is sometimes called Paraoh, and sometimes melech Mitzraim, the king of Egypt. Is that something significant, or at some point they just forgot his name?

 The Torah refers to the king as melech Mitzraim in the beginning of the story since he was trying to act in the manner of a king. He had to be fair and just and honest. If he indicated that a new law in progress was going to be cruel or unfair, he worried that the people would revolt. So, approaching the midwives personally as opposed to delegating the job to the army, was his attempt at portraying some semblance of law. 

He was covering up his evil scheme in a mantel of justice: 

"There are too many people in Egypt. We can't feed so many mouths. We don't have enough mummy garb to go around." 

He would never explicitly command killing them once they're already born, so he suggested, for demographic purposes, to murder them before they're actually born. 

In more contemporary words, he isn't killing any baby boys; he's commanding forced abortions! He them taught them the head signals (faced up or down) so that before the baby's officially born, if they see it's a boy, they kill him.

Paraoh was the first Pro Choice activist.

Roe vs. Wade vs. Paraoh.

At this point,  the midwives start referring to him as Paraoh. With this one simple word, an entire conversation took place, indirectly:

"You think you'll fool us? You're no melech Mitzraim. You're Paraoh the murderer. The rasha. Killing the kid before he's born is no different than killing him after. Today you're slaying them in utero.... but tomorrow you'll be slaughtering them alive." 

Which is exactly what happened.

By the way, there was no one more appropriate to give Paraoh that mussar shmooze than Yocheved. She was indicating that she, herself is the proof that a child pre-birth is the same human being as the child after birth. 

 When the Jews exiled down to Egypt, they were counted as shivim nafesh, 70 people. In reality, there were only 69 people traveling to Egypt. What did they do, round it out to the nearest whole number? 

No. Yocheved wasn't born yet, but she was on the way. She was still in the womb, but nonetheless, was counted as a complete human being. 

Ever notice how all the people who are pro abortion have already been born? 

Just sayin'.

Paraoh was using a well known strategy to cover up his crime, pretending he was in the right. This game is a tactic many of use to convince ourselves or others that we're doing the right thing when likely, we're not.

RATIONALIZATION.

What is rationalization?

Rationalization means inventing a good reason/excuse for something, instead of admitting the true reason.

Rationalization is so common, that if we were to stop doing it, the silence would be a foreign language. 

We rationalize to others, giving excuses or logical explanations as to why we did or didn't do something, but a lot of rationalizing goes on internally- within ourselves, often without even realizing we're doing it.

Why do we do this?

It's a defense mechanism.

Having difficulty admitting a fault or a wrongdoing, we try to cover it up. A logical sounding reason allows us to hide from the truth without looking or feeling guilty.

Picture for a second, a typical market place with merchants trying to sell their goods. There's one man, in a little booth, selling excuses. "Ladies and gentlemen, excuses for sale! Buy them before they're used. Hot for now, cold for later. Excuses for sale!!"

One of his neighboring merchants turns to him and says, curiously, that he's been watching him sell excuses for 20 years already, but yet he still has no money. 

He wanted to know what he's doing wrong.

"That's the way it is with excuses", the merchant said. "Even if people buy them, they never make you rich".

It has been said that success has many fathers, but failure is an orphan.  

When I'm  successful, I take all the credit for it. I own it. But when I fail, I look around for someone or something to blame it on; a traumatic upbringing, bad luck, and unhappy marriage, bad teachers in kindergarten, friends, chavrusas, therapists...- anyone but me.

What's so bad about making excuses?

The only way to improve a situation, or to have any growth at all, is to recognize that I, by myself, am responsible for my situation.

If someone has a temporal problem and is prone to coming late, he can have all the excuses in the world, and people might actually buy them, but they'll never 'make him rich'. He'll never own up, so he will be stunted from improvement and growth.

If we keep blaming others, even if it's legitimate we will never find a solution, and we will forever remain on that level, with that same boring, old weakness.

Even if people excuse us with our rationalizations and we end up fooling them, getting off "free", we can never really get off free. Because our conscience will constantly scold us and make us miserable, since we  know it's all just a cover.

We can run but we can't hide.... from ourselves. Face it, admit it, and improve it.

Rationalize?  

Rational Lies

Have a beautiful shabbos,

Yaffa

Outside Influence: Friend or Enemy?

Every friday night, after infusing the home with light and sanctifying the mundane, we rise in testimony to God's omnipotence and kingship, with a glass of wine. 

And then, in many Jewish homes around the world, parents give a blessing to their children. 

The blessing for the girls is, that they grow up to follow in the spiritual footsteps are our matriarchs, Sara, Rivka, Leah, and Rachel. 

The boys are blessed with this famous bracha:  Yisimcha Elokim k´Ephraim uch´Menashe...God should sanction you to be like Ephraim and Menashe...  

Wait. Menashe? Ephraim? What's wrong with a blessing to be like Avraham, Yitzchok, Yaakov, or any of the other shvatim, whom we just learned so much about? I don´t even know Ephraim and Menashe. What's so extraordinary about them?

You know what would be nice?
To have the ability to raise our children in exactly the way we want them to be raised. Whatever they know would be just what we taught them, in the way that we taught it to them. That which we want to protect them from, they would never find out about.

Clearly, reality forces us out of our fantasy. We live life surrounded by people of all shapes, sizes and colors. We are exposed to more philosophies than we can integrate, and we are encircled by an array of theories and behaviors. Some appealing, some not.

No matter how hard we try to shelter ourselves and our kids from the foreign cultures around us, we can't fully escape it. We need to recognize it, accept it, and embrace it.

Menashe and Ephraim, as opposed to their grandparents, became who they were by growing up in Egypt, the home of immodesty, promiscuity, and everything spiritually ugly. 
And yet, they were able to reach a level of spiritual completion adequate enough to be the goal of our aspirations. 

How did they accomplish that?

Living within a foreign culture actually served as their friend, and not their enemy. They learned to distinguish between good and bad, and to differentiate between right and wrong. 

They mastered the skill of elevating the positive while rejecting evil. 

This is an art. 

In order to achieve this, we must be able to make a distinction between good and bad. It is critical that the line be crystal clear. It's not necessary to shelter ourselves completely; we do not need to live in caves, afraid to look out at the world. That creates weakness and inability to deal with differences. 
Standing up and facing reality while removing ourselves from its negativities, shows strength,  maturity, and stability.

But, the balance here is pretty tight. How do I know if I´m accepting too much of the influence of my environment? How can I integrate my surroundings in a spiritually healthy way?
 

Preceding the reform movement, Moses Mendelssohn, a Jewish, German philosopher, took the Torah, and translated it into German. The Rabbis at the time completely rejected it and put him in cherem, excommunication.  

Years later, in the US, some people at Artscroll took the Torah and translated it into English. This time it was accepted and applauded.

What caused the difference in reaction? 
Is Rabbi Zlotowitz better looking than Mendelssohn? Wealthier? Smarter?

That´s not it.

The difference, was their motivation.

Mendelssohn's intentions were to make the German speaking Jew more German. 

Artscroll wanted to make the English speaking Jew more Jewish. 

The proof of the motives are in the results. Following the German translation was the start of the downfall of Judaism; the Reform movement.

Following the English translation was the start of the uprising of Baalei Tshuva all across the world.

The difference is apparent beyond doubt. Because, as long as we use foreign culture as a way to enhance our Judaism, we're able to grow from it. When priorities shift and the culture becomes the focus, that's where the problem begins.

Hashem should bless us all to be like Ephraim and Menashe. 

To embrace the world we live in, instead of fighting it. 

To elevate the good and reject the bad. 

And, while living our lives surrounded by outside influence, to be able to keep and follow the Torah as our numero uno priority, always.

My environment might decide who I am, but *I* decide who I´ll become.

Have a beautiful shabbos, 

Yaffa

Greek Olympics

The disease of Chanuka is Competition. I´m only good if I´m better than you.
 
The Greeks were the founders of the Olympics. Their philosophy was that a person is only worth something in comparison to someone else. Life is all about competing and winning.
 
Looking the best, acting the best, being the fastest, the smartest, the prettiest. That´s all that matters.
 
The Parsha tells us that Yosef had chen, charm. He had a unique form of beauty and attraction that stood out. Yosef was also the only person that the Torah has ever referred to as a tzaddik. This is because he lived alone in Egypt, with no one to compare himself to. He was just, well, Yosef.
 
Humankind often projects women with flawless skin, big eyes, full lips, small nose, pure white teeth, smooth and shiny hair, curvy body, wearing size 0 designer clothes, and they portray them as being happy because of those qualities and possessions.
They portray men as tall, with smooth skin, six packs, perfectly square jaws, with any woman at their disposal, quite literally at their disposal, stepping into their luxury car of choice,  and they define that that is what makes a man happy.
 
Society is extremely successful in being able to brainwash people into believing they should look a certain way, act a certain way, or be a certain someone, when in reality every single one of us is different. People are born to be different; no two of us are the same. We have different mindsets, different personalities, different emotional makeups, different intellectual capacities, different needs, different desires, different backgrounds, different strengths and weaknesses, different opinions, and different experiences. Even identical twins are different from one another.
There´s only one way in which we´re all the same: We´re all flawed human beings. We have defects and flaws that were given to us to improve and perfect, in order to help us each fulfill our own individual missions in life.

Society likes to categorize people with the intention of causing us to believe that we have fewer rights to be happy because we do not fit into the idealistic lifestyle. This is the reason that so many men and women hide away from society, and grow up thinking that there´s something wrong with them. This is also why a disproportionate amount of men and women carry the number of their local plastic surgeons in their back pockets.
Comparing ourselves to others is a sure way to knock our self esteems down to the ground, trample on them, and hose them down the drain.
 
There will always be those who are ´better´than us, and those who are ´worse´than us. Denying this, and trying to live the life of the subject of our envy, will cause us to start wishing we were different people, causing thoughts of worthlessness and hopelessness.
 
Here´s the main problem I see evolving from this. By trying to parallel or match another person, I still come up short of being them, but at the same time I´m coming up short of being ME. 
I´m not living their life, and I´m not living my life. So, am I even living? 

Breathing doesn´t mean I´m living. It means I´m alive.

There´s an entire world of difference between being alive, and actually living.
 
Weighing ourselves against another, takes us nowhere, wastes a lot of time and energy, and puts us in an emotionally and psychologically awful place. As Albert Einstein so wisely quoted, “Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid.”
 
Contrary to  Greek ideology, Judaism teaches that the result of something is not what´s important, but rather the effort and motivation put into the act.  Pirkei avos explains: ¨L´fum tzaara agra¨ The harder the effort, the greater the reward.
A parent  who´s interested in teaching their child to be confident and healthy, will never tell them ¨I´m proud of you because you´re the best in your class¨, but rather, they´ll tell them ¨I´m proud of you because you really tried your best¨.
 
We all have intrinsic value as individuals. We´re not only good just in comparison to others.
The proof of this is another lesson from our sages: ¨Lo Alecha Hamelacha Ligmor¨, It´s not up to you to finish the task. What is up to me is to start it, and to give it my absolute best.
 
The Miracle of Chanuka is not just that we were a tiny army who won over a much more powerful one. It was an internal war that we won. It was a battle of  confidence and assurance. The Greeks tried to remove everything we stood for; everything that made us unique:
 
Shabbos, kashrus, bris milah, limud Torah, and rosh Chodesh.
 
These are five Mitzvos that are absolutely unique to the Jewish people. To replace these spiritual activities, they tried enticing us with their external enterprises fueled by competition and vanity.  But we didn´t fall for it! We stood up to fight! We fought against a life of externality! We fought against a life of competition! We fought against a life of emptiness!
 
And we won.
 
So when we celebrate Chanuka, we´re embracing our uniqueness. We´re recognizing our individuality and accepting the essence of who we are.
 
It´s no coincidence that the main character of the parsha this week is Yosef, who had reached spiritual perfection, being the solitary person to earn the title tzaddik. He achieved that by having no one to compare himself to, and therefore being able to use his own potential by being true to himself.
 
Chanuka means that the only person I need to be better than, is the person I was yesterday.

Have a beautiful shabbos, a happy Chanuka, and a chodesh tov!

Yaffa

A Fourteen Year Engagement

Yaakov waited seven years to marry Rachel. And then another seven years. That's fourteen years. 

How much research did he need to do already?

And then,  Rashi goes and says that all those fourteen years were like ¨yamim achadim¨, just a few days.

One second. If you were waiting desperately to marry the love of your life, marking off each day in your custom made seven year calendar with a glow-in-the-dark marker so you can count them while lying sleeplessly in bed at night, would it really feel like "just a few days"? Maybe just a few centuries?

 How could it be possible that all those years felt to Yaakov like yamim achadim?

There were two different parts of the process:

1. Seven years of waiting.

2. Seven years of working.

The waiting part, no doubt was extremely difficult. The working part was practically effortless since the payment was so well worth it.

If you have the means to give someone $10 million, then $1 million seems like nothing.

To Yaakov, Rachel was worth so much that he'd do anything to get her.

In Eishes Chayil, Shlomo Hamelech describes the virtuous woman. One aspect of her idealism is stated in the fourth possuk: Darsha tzemer ufishtim, vataas b´cheifetz kapeha. Focusing on the second half of the verse, which is the part that's appropriate for our discussion, it translates, ¨she works willingly with her hands¨.

As long as her work gets done, who really cares whether it's done willingly or not?

Didn't your mother ever tell you "Do it with a smile, or don't do it at all!?¨

Technically, she does have an option. She can do her work unwillingly. Most of us get through the day doing mundane tasks without much enthusiasm. But, we do what's required in fear of the consequence of not doing it.

What happens if my always perfect, spotless, OCD neighbor comes over and sees I have Mount Everest growing out of my fleishig sink? And when she sees yesterday´s peanut butter sandwich face down on the floor...under her shoe? And suddenly, the stench of a soiled diaper wafting through the air nearly knocks her down onto the pile of laundry still waiting to be folded... How would this make me feel (theoretically, of course)? 

Embarrassed.

And if an employee has a certain quota to fill by 5:00, regardless of his rapport with his boss, and whether or not he likes his work, if he wants to keep his job (and consequentially, his wife) he better finish that pile.

So, most of the time, we tend to our demanding, mundane activities without much desire or enthusiasm, in order to avoid facing the consequences of not doing them.

The Gra speaks about the unhappiness of a person who doesn´t enjoy the process leading to his goal. 

He´s right.

A few years ago, I decided to pursue my long awaited dream of playing the piano. So, while very busy with my family, home, work, and countless other projects, I added piano lessons to my agenda. My only available time slot to practice, tho, was at 2 am, after a long, hard day. I dreaded those practices. Sometimes I would even clean the fridge rather than practice.

It was such torture. I just wanted to be Beethoven already. I dreamed of my long, silky fingers flying effortlessly along the majors and minors, producing gorgeous, melodious compositions. But, I didn´t wanna practice. I despised it. 

So....I quit.

In order to reach a goal, a process is required. If it's done with enthusiasm and enjoyment, life is more enjoyable for the player, as well as for all the other participants that surround him.

I have learned an important lesson in life:

If you focus on the effort, you will hardly notice the pleasure, but if you focus on the pleasure you will hardly notice the effort.

Yaakov could've dreaded those years. He could've been miserable. He could´ve been a total downer, causing his misery to influence anyone in his vicinity. But, he did not care for the impending consequences he knew would follow, so he decided to channel his concentration. He was so full of enthusiasm and enjoyment during the 'waiting process' that the years literally felt like very few.

Enjoying the process leading to the goal is an important part of fully achieving that goal.

"The highest reward for toil is not what you get for it, but what you become from it".

Have a beautiful shabbos,

Yaffa